Ending this blog - starting another

Well, I haven't really kept up on my promise to come back often  - and I've decided that this is mainly because GradSchool isn't the center of what I want to talk about anymore. I'm still battling it out here, but I've mostly found my way and more often then not there isn't much to report (that can be posted at least). But I did enjoy blogging and have decided to start a new blog  called:

Random Thoughts, Grumblings, and Celebrations

 Please join me there if you ever enjoyed following this blog. Thanks!

Made it Through My First Year!!!

Sorry it's been so long since I wrote - things got busier and busier these last few months. I was feeling really overwhelmed, and didn't want to write an entirely negative, complaining post. To my total shock, however., this semester ended amazingly well. I fully expected to have an A, A-, and a B. In fact, I was so unhappy with my final paper for one of my classes that I would have been thrilled to get that B. But I made 3 As!!! I was so shocked that I logged in to double check that a mistake hadn't been made at least 10 times. But I did it - I ended my first year as a graduate student with a 3.96 GPA (which is kinda funny because that's the same GPA I graduated with a year ago)!

I started this blog about a year ago because several of my friends had suggested it would be a good way to share my experience, documenting the transition from undergrad to graduate life. I thought that transition would be done by now, that I would feel at home in grad school. I certainly felt fully competent by this point in every new job I've started, at community college, and at university. But I don't. Not even close. I think that's the main reason that grad school is such a challenge for me - I feel certain of nothing. I have to talk myself into believing that this was the right decision, that I CAN do this, at least weekly.

Having two successful semesters under my belt should really help as I move forward. It will also help (I think/hope) that I'll be graduate student senator for my department this upcoming year. That was a total shock, by the way. I received an email about a week before voting that I had been nominated for the position... I was shocked and my first impulse was to turn the nomination down. I didn't for three reasons - (1) that would be really rude - someone actually thought enough of me to nominate me, and what? I'm going to spit on that? (2) no one really knows me, no way I would win; (3) if I did win, it could be a nice thing to have a place, something that actually made me a feel a part of the department. So I accepted. Voting opened and there was a tie. I was, once again, shocked. How did enough people know and trust the shy girl, who always sits in the corner quietly listening, rarely speaking? So there was a run-off vote and I won. My response was initially overwhelming fear. Much like coming to grad school actually - I found myself thinking "What did I just get myself into?" But I'm thankful for the nominations and the votes. I've already been to one GSS event and I'm looking forward to getting to know these people better. Also, for the first time at the GHA meeting I felt like I belonged there. I had a tangible purpose and in the upcoming year, what I do will actually matter. So yes, I'm nervous - but I'm thankful.

I'm on break right now - enjoying time with my family and friends in Texas before heading back to St. Louis for my summer semester. I'll try to be more regular with my posts over the summer.

And to end this post - I want to give a great big congratulations to all my friends who just graduated this year: Melissa, Steven, Cheryl, Trish, Ashley, Nicole, Nancy, Samantha, Elizabeth, Brittany, Stacey, Ashley, Tazeen, and anyone else I may have missed (sorry). So Happy for you all and good luck as you move on to the next phase as teachers (Melissa & Steven), grad/PHd students (Nicole, Samantha, Brittany, Ashley), law students (Cheryl, Stacey), and whatever your heart desires!

Should I TA in the Fall? Scared!

So I was freaking out last week, but thanks mostly to my blog I got a lot of help for other grad students here about my options and it's looking way better. I'm going to be taking Latin this summer, and after talking to the professor I can tell it's going to work out really well for me. Plus I won't lose my funding over the summer, so all's good. Thanks to everyone for their help!

I also got to meet with my peer mentor this week (yesterday actually) and she helped me figure a lot of things out. I think I have a better idea what I should be trying to do from semester to semester now. Best part though - she gave me some tips on how she does her reading and I think it's really going to help. I've struggled since day 1 with how to get through all the material and actually get what I'm supposed to out of it. I'm sure I'll have to make adjustments to fit me, but at least I have a better starting point than before.  So that's my next positive point (I have lost count) - I've gotten to know some really great people who are more than happy to help me if I just ask. I'm going to work harder to make sure I ask questions, instead of trying to figure everything out on my own. I don't want to be a burden or seem stupid all the time, but not taking advantage of all your resources is just stupid, right?

The next obstacle is figuring out the fall. The biggest decision - will I TA? I really don't know, but I have to decide by Friday of next week. EEEK. Honestly, the idea of it terrifies me. I don't have a lot of confidence in my abilities here yet, so I'm scared that the fall might be too soon. Technically as a Chancellor's Fellow I'm not required to TA, but I know that would be a bad move. I need the experience, plus it extends my funding out 1 year. And I don't want to put it off too long... I'm just not sure that I'm ready. The undergraduate classes are setup different here than back at UTA, so I'll be dealing with another new environment. If I just new exactly what's expected of me it might be easier to decide, but from what I understand every professor is different. Time to do some soul searching - if anyone has any advice, I'm glad to have it!

Freaking Out A Little Bit... A Lot Actually

I was planning to write a very different blog than this one this week, until I got an email about summer funding for courses. See I've been thinking that I would take some language courses this summer - and according to this email that's perfectly acceptable - but I have to fill out a form saying what I'm going to take by March 5th, indicating what course I'm going to take. No problem, right? I went online to check out the language course options for this summer and they are horrible. One intensive Latin class that sounds like it's for beginners, no Spanish, no Hebrew, a couple of French reading courses, no Arabic, no Italian, no Portuguese. Really? If summer is supposed to be about language study, why don't they offer it? I seriously think my old school (which is SUPPOSEDLY inferior to Wash U) has better options for it's graduate students. I'm going to have to talk with my advisor so I can understand what the heck I'm supposed to do now - maybe I should take the Latin, even though I'm not a beginner it certainly couldn't hurt. But I'm definitely freaking out - if I'm not taking anything, I'm not getting paid, and if I'm not getting paid - how the hell am I paying my bills exactly? And that's just the money part - what about the fact that I've been counting on doing language this summer? I feel seriously sick to my stomach right now... every time I turn around there's another surprise that I was far from prepared for and don't know how to handle. So... no positive point this week - hopefully next week I'll be able to list as a positive point that it all worked itself out, hopefully...

On the right track? (and PP#6)

Right now I'm feeling very conflicted. In some ways this semester is going much better - I know what I'm supposed to do and I don't feel near as anxious about my abilities. Yet, I can't help that feeling at the back of my head that reminds me that half the things I say are not as smart, thoughtful, insightful, etc as the others in my classes. I've told myself that this is a matter of training - they've got it and I don't. With some time I'll get where they are, right? But what if I don't? What if I'm not getting any better? As soon as I think I have something down, I find out that I was only getting lucky and don't really have it at all. The big question I find myself contemplating over and over - was this the right move? am I on the right track? Should I be pursuing something else? It's come to my mind a lot lately that I'd really like to be an adminstrator of a program that helps students, like McNair helped me. But is this the way to get there? I know my director back home has her PhD and teaches some classes at the university. So maybe it is. Anyway - I guess I'm just doubting everything right now. 

On the flip side, I feel like I'm getting to know people (even in my department!) a lot better than before. In the past couple of weeks I've found myself engaged in conversation, outside of class, with individuals longer than ever before. So I guess that's my next positive point - I have the opportunity to know new people every semester. Maybe I didn't mesh as well with people last semester, and still not in big groups, but this semester has given me the opportunity to get to know some different people and it's been so much better. 

I have a lot of work to do this week and I'm really trying to be better about motivation this week - so until next week's positive point- have a good week! 

Procrastination (and PP#5)

I'm in serious procrastination mode. On the plus side I'm getting all kinds of other work done - yesterday we went to the store and got some things we really needed and hadn't bothered with. Today I think we'll go to goodwill and get an office chair if we can. And yesterday I finally unpacked the remaining boxes (you know the ones full of things that you don't REALLY need so they start to become pieces of furniture). There were still a few with things we won't unpack - so I put them up. We hung up pictures too - though we used this stuff that's not supposed to hurt the walls and now we have pictures falling randomly. So I called it quits and Sal is currently using nails. We'll just put get some putty for the holes and paint when we move in a couple years.

Anyway - all that is extremely productive, but has left me on Friday (at 1:30 in the afternoon too) with not one book even started for class next week. Yikes! I was doing so good - by this time last week I only had 1 book left to read. And not only do I need to get through these books, but I have end of semester projects to get started on. In one of my classes we have our research proposal due in less than 2 weeks and it's worth 25%. I've had moments of procrastination before, but this one is gonna make the rest of this weekend blow, because I really have to get this work done. Ugh!

On the positive side, this procrastination is sort of a good sign - I'm comfortable enough to procrastinate. Last semester, I had trouble with motivation for sure - but it was different - it was motivated by anxiety about the assignments, not pure procrastination. So I guess that's my positive point #5 - with time I'm getting more comfortable and confident, even if I'm not getting all that much better at doing my work. And now to stop procrastinating and do some of that reading...

Feeling Sunny (and PP#4)

The weather and my mood have been really sunny the last few days. I'm sure the weather has had something to do with my cheerful mood; I would never guess that it's February in Saint Louis right now - where's all that snow everyone warned me about? Not that I'm complaining - keep this beautiful weather coming! 

Besides the beautiful weather, this semester is just feeling so much better than last - despite my really rough start. For one, I don't feel as intimidated in my classes. Maybe that's because I made it through a semester and know I can do it. Maybe it's just the atmosphere in the classes. Maybe it's both. Regardless - not feeling intimidated goes a long way to my feeling good about class. Each class started with me knowing someone already, in fact two of my classes had two people I already knew in them. And in the two class sessions we've had so far, I've already started getting to know the other students and feeling comfortable around them. So that's a major plus for the semester. If I said that I felt entirely thrilled to have piles of reading to do and two discussions to lead next week, I'd be lying - but I'd also be lying if I said I was dreading my reading or classes. So I'm taking that as a major plus. 

I think one thing that's really helped is my weekly positive points, I find myself constantly thinking, "what will my next positive point be?" and it helps me stay positive. I knew I needed to change my frame of mind, but this seems to be the tool that works. For example, late last week I had a meeting that I went into feeling pretty good, but left feeling isolated. I am a loner - I really don't like getting together with people off campus that much - but I would like to feel comfortable with them on campus. Plus, I know it's mostly my fault, I'm just not good at striking up conversation or connecting with people here. But knowing that doesn't change that I felt uncomfortable and couldn't wait to get home. But, when I realized how down I was feeling, I started thinking, "how can I find a positive point in this?" I didn't find one - but trying to helped me not stay focused on how down I felt. 

I did come up with a PP #4 this week though - I really love most of what I'm assigned to read. This week all 3 of my assigned readings were really fascinating and filled with information I didn't know. I got sucked in and, if it weren't for the deadline, would have gotten lost in reading them. My only regret is that I have to read quickly to keep up with my assignments, but the exposure to so many new ideas and histories is really exciting! I know I wouldn't have had the opportunity to read so many new things (well new to me) if I had gone another route - so that's another reason I'm thankful I decided to come to graduate school!

PP #2 and #3 - Finding the bright side of a horrible week

Things have been incredibly crazy this last week, so I didn't get a chance to post my positive point (PP). I did, however, come up with one fairly easy. Positive Point #2 is that in grad school, my classes only meet 1 time a week. This was particularly positive this week, because I had to miss the first week of class. Our truck broke down and I've spent the past week anxiously working on it's repairs. We drove all through the night Sunday and only made it home Monday morning. By time we got the keys for the new apartment, got a few groceries, and brought everything from the truck into the apartment, I only had time to go to take a shower and get to class. I had a really hard time keeping my eyes open in class, but made it through. Then I came home and did homework for the two classes I have on Tuesday until I couldn't keep my eyes open. I woke up super early Tuesday and raced the clock to finish my assignments for Tuesday's classes. I made it, but barely, and certainly not at my best level. I managed to participate in class, but between being exhausted and barely prepared it was tough. But it would have been so much worse if I'd missed two classes instead of one. Hence PP#2.

In my hurry to complete my assignments I accidently sent an email without the attached book review. My professor told me just to send it to him when I got home, no problem. I got home and began to setup my computer, only to discover that for some reason my monitor wouldn't work. I tried fixing cables, replacing cables, opening up computer to fix graphics card, etc - in the end it seems that when the computer got wet back in the move in August it actually did take some damage. It just took several months to manifest itself as a slowly destroyed mother board. Anyway - I emailed my professor from my phone at 2am to tell him that I'd have to get to a public computer in the morning to email in the paper. Thankfully there's a library directly across the street from me, so that was easy to do this morning. And thankfully, my professor was extremely understanding. In fact, sensing my distress over how horribly things have started this semester, he suggested that I come by to talk and get back on track. Needless to say, this brings me to PP#3 - having an amazing, understanding, and concerned advisor. I don't know how I would have responded to a student screwing up so much in a matter of a week, but he hasn't batted an eye. He just wants to help me move past it! I'm very fortunate - I've heard horror stories about advisors who are the complete opposite.

Anyway - to wrap up my story - I have a new computer and I'm only down a little more than $300 (though with the truck repairs this has been a very expensive month). We still haven't moved much into the apartment, with all the drama of trying to get the computer operational and getting to classes. Plus it was raining today. But - we braved the rain so that I could get my bed (we had a cover to keep it from getting wet) and I'll finally be sleeping in a bed tonight!! So excited after a grabbing a few hours Sunday night in the truck and sleeping on the floor Monday and Tuesday night. And with that - Goodnight!

Positive Point #1

Winter break is almost over, and before I get back to class, I have to say how nice its been to see most (though not all) of my friends. Last semester was tough to say the least, and its good to be home in a comfortable environment. I'm trying to boost myself for next semester by knowing that I made it through my first one with two As and an A- (I have never heard of final grades coming out in + or -, but apparently that's normal everywhere I've never gone before...). I'm really happy with those grades and I feel that, despite how uncertain and behind I felt, I must not have been.

I'm trying to remind myself of all that, because after reviewing 2 of my 3 syllabi for next semester I'm officially freaking out. Its as if last semester never happened and I feel as intimidated as I did my first day. Before I was done reading one of them my stomach was in knots and I was essentially having a panic attack. I don't know why I feel this way, but I have to get passed it. My friend suggested I make a New Year's Resolution to tell myself one, NEW, positive thing about grad school every day, so that I will change my mindset. I agree with her, that I need to find the positive. I can't, however, think of even 7 things right now. So, in the interest of being realistic and setting achievable goals, I'm going to come up with 1 a week, and make myself really believe it all week.

So - Positive Point #1 - I'm finally getting paid to go to school. I had to work 40+ hours a week (sometimes as many as 90), to put myself through undergrad (which I went full-time). That was hard; I never had time for myself, my family, or my friends. I was perpetually tired and so run-down that I felt sick all the time. Now, I don't have to work, because I have a generous fellowship that supports me and allows me to focus on my education without running myself into the ground. I know that I'm very fortunate to have the Chancellor's Fellowship and I can't miss out on this opportunity, no matter how difficult it may sometimes get.

The more things change... the more the stay the same

Why, after writing about 60 or so pages in the last week, do I feel inspired to write a blog?!? Perhaps it's the wonderful feeling of knowing that I'm done. I've just turned in my last paper and my first semester in graduate school is over. It's funny, this semester has been an overwhelming change for me thus far - yet these last few weeks have felt oddly familiar. The hours at the library identifying the best sources for my papers, the anxiety about how many more pages I still have left to write, and the stupidly finishing my final edits within hours of my final deadline... all those experiences are like the end of just about every semester I've ever had at school. Sure the number of pages I had to write expanded a bit, and my confidence after turning the papers in is significantly lower... but at least its semi-familiar ground. Funny how doing something familiar makes you feel like you can do it.

I'm hoping that familiarity will make next semester much easier - though the courses will be new - grad school no longer will be completely foreign to me. Of course, if I make As this semester my confidence will be much higher going into next semester than if I make Bs. Here' s hoping! Until I get those final reports, I think I'm just going to relax and try to forget that I'm still anxiously awaiting confirmation that I've successfully survived my first semester in graduate school! 

Thinking about next semester

Over the last couple weeks I had to look at classes and register for next semester. What a frustrating process, at least when compared to Undergrad! As an Undergraduate I had a 2 majors and 2 minors to fulfill requirements for, but at least I knew what I needed to take. Each major/minor had a set of required courses (or ranges of courses) and I kept track of what I had taken and knew what I still needed to take. I could easily see how many more semesters I needed to complete my requirements. I knew that if I took a heavy load in 1 semester I could get out earlier.

How I wish it was remotely close to that as a Graduate student. I know that before I finish with my PhD I'll need 72 graduate credit hours - no more, no less - but how many of those do I need to have completed before I can do my exams? How many hours do I earn while working on my dissertation, if any? I know that it usually is two years of course work and then the third year is exams - but if I'm taking the required 3 courses a semester (12 hours), I won't get to 72 hours until I've finished 3 years. Can I take courses over the summer? I hope so - because I really want to go through this as quickly as possible, plus my income depends on it. I was under the impression when I chose WashU that I'd have work to do over the summer, but now I'm starting to wonder. That aside - what should I take? What can I take? Does anything I pick count toward those hours? Or am I wasting my time in other courses? How I wish there was a guide that said "take any combination of these courses to get these hours before you begin your exams."

Anyway - that frustration aside, I've picked my three classes for next semester and I seriously hope they're useful to me in the long run. They sound interesting, and I'm pretty sure two of them will really be useful for my long term goals. But the last one, well I'm not so sure. When I asked my advisor if I should take it and what my other options were (because there really were no other courses that I saw good for me to take) he said he thought it was my best option. But is it my best option because there's nothing else? or because it's actually going to help me? I think the hardest thing about Graduate school is not the course work, but the confusion and the uncertainty that I'm constantly plagued by. I want to know what I have to do, so that I can know that I'm actually moving forward towards a goal. Right now, I have no idea - I might be treading water, barely keeping my head above. Or - I might be swimming along nicely. Whichever it is, I wish I knew.

Its Been Awhile...

I've been away from my blog for a while, so I thought I'd do I quick update. I had stopped writing for a little bit at first because I was having a rough time and didn't want my blog to become a place where all I do is complain. 

That being said, things have gotten a lot better. I'd say the main change is my frame of mind - I've stopped putting so much pressure on myself. Not that I don't want to do well - of course I still do - but I'm no longer telling myself "grad school is your only option." It's funny - as soon as told myself that if I didn't want to get my PhD (or wasn't able to) it was okay, I started to regain confidence that it I belong here (and that I can do it). Also important to my reversal - I met with my adviser. I should have done that a while before, but I was embarrassed I guess, by the feeling that I wasn't doing well. But the time finally came that I had to, and I'm so glad I did. He gave me some positive feedback and helped me see that I'm not doing so badly after all. That's not to say I'm doing perfectly - I'm most certainly not - but at least I know I'm on the right track and not failing out. 

The problem I'm having right now is motivation. I'm so used to a schedule that has no wiggle room, so this schedule that is so open is actually difficult for me to manage. It's too easy to tell myself that I'll have time later, because I have more time than I've ever had before. I'm trying to force myself into a schedule as if I had work and class all the time again, so that I'll be more productive. Even with my lack of motivation, I'm keeping up with my weekly assignments. I just know that I'm getting a little behind of where I would ideally be for my end of semester papers. I'll figure it out I'm sure - it's a funny thing though - who'd have thought that having too much time would be a problem? 

A pretty great week

I'd be lying if I said it was an amazing week - but it certainly has been a pretty good one! For one, possibly most significant, is that I've started getting some feedback in my classes and, to my astonishment, it has been positive. Again, I'd be lying if I said I did fantastic, but when you've been operating in the general assumption that you feel stupid and thus are coming across as stupid, it's really nice to learn otherwise. I've still got a lot to figure out, but I think I'm finally starting to believe I can actually do it. So, when I hit some low points in the weeks to come (bc realistically I will) I can look back at this and remember that I can do this!

What a roller coaster!!!

This week has been the toughest week yet, but also one of the best... such a roller coaster of emotions!! I guess I have to start with Thursday, where I last left off, slightly confused - but overall feeling pretty good... (I apologize in advance for the length)

Right after that post I went to class and felt really lost. At moments I felt like I'd read something different than everyone else (they probably thought that too). I tried to shake it off and thought I'd been successful. So I settled in for a long weekend of reading and writing.

That brings us to Sunday - first as I was reading I got so frustrated I had to start making some calls back home just so I could get someone to help me understand a section in my advanced feminist theory reading. So frustrating, as I'm used to getting those calls, not making them. Then there was the history department reception. This was such a nice reception (much fancier than anything back home) and everyone is super friendly. So why did I leave feeling incredibly sad and homesick?! I think it boils down to not being home. I couldn't help but think of similar receptions I've been to back home and that of course made me miss the people.

These very minor, simple events sent me into a depressive spiral. I woke up Monday ready to quit and go home (maybe a little melodramatic, but you get the picture - I was very unhappy). I called one of my best friends, who immediately took a lunch break to talk me off my ledge. Sometimes you just have to get in a good cry with someone you know loves you. Thank you (I try never to use names on here,  but you know who you are) love you, miss you!

Anyway besides feeling homesick I've just been feeling incredibly inadequate and well... dumb. I didn't come here with very much confidence, I've had to work to hard with too many voices (some real, some imagined) telling me I wasn't smart enough and didn't belong - and then moving across states to a new place to do something so foreign left me very vulnerable. And these last few weeks have crushed the confidence I had. But my friend (followed up by another amazing friend that evening xoxo) helped me get a bit of that back and reminded me of the other voices that have supported me these last several years. Within that day I had several people let me know they're thinking about and supporting me from afar - couldn't have been better timed or more appreciated. Thanks again!

So Tuesday came and I felt refreshed and a little more confident. I still get butterflies for a good hour or two before class, but class went great - I felt like I had a clue. Wednesday's class went equally well. And I'm starting to feel more comfortable with some of my classmates.

And then Thursday again... yikes that class is going to be the death of me! I just never am asking the right questions and seem to be missing the big points everyone else sees. This makes me very nervous because I have to present on Thursday and I really don't want to suck! I haven't let it freak me out yet and spent a nice day with my boyfriend not thinking about any of it. We did some grocery shopping and watched a movie. I also got to talk to my brother and hear that he's still doing great at school and loving it. Seeing him conquer his fears and very real disabilities (as opposed to my self-imposed fears) gives me motivation to keep pushing. Not to mention he gave me some great advice and is cheering me on as much as I'm cheering him on.

So I realize this is a long blog - sorry about that (for those who actually are reading this thing to the end). I hope it was worth it to get another week of my new life in graduate school!

Working out the kinks (and proud moments as a big sister)

I'm sitting outside waiting for my next class and thought I'd do a quick update... seems that I've still got a few kinks to work out. Nothing major, but its kind of funny how much I still don't know just about the basics of being a grad student here. For 1, I just discovered that I have a mail box, which I should have been checking ... oops! I'm just glad they sent a reminder email about the reception or I would have been a no-show just because the original invite was in my box. In the course of finding that out I also learned that I should have picked up a key for the grad office, a copy code, and that my id should let me into the building on weekends. I wouldn't know any of this without my peer mentor, who I seem to need to email daily! The question is - what else do I not know & how should I have known? Of course, everyone is very understanding of my ignorance, but it's not fun being so unaware!
On a different, slightly unrelated, note - my little brother started college this year and is doing great. Its awesome to be able to help him avoid the trouble I had figuring things out and I'm so proud of how well he's doing! He's making As so far and applying himself so well... which isn't a big deal in terms of how smart he is, but is a big deal when you know his previous record of slacking a bit. Oh and he's in Photoshop for one of his classes - check out the cow he drew in there? Isn't it cute?!
Anyway.... class time!

Finding a rhythm

After last week's blog I was given so many encouraging comments from people who've been there - and it helped a lot. Knowing I was not alone in freezing up and the encouragement made the rest of the week much better. Thanks (you know who you are - assuming you haven't given up reading) !!  I went to Advanced Feminist Theory confident and participated easily. Admittedly, the environment was a lot less intimidating, making it a lot easier to be myself. Literature of History was great - mainly because we didn't really do anything - sort of refreshing considering how my other classes had us doing a decent amount for week 1. Anyway - I went into the weekend (which is Friday - Monday for me) feeling a lot better. 

The one negative was that my paycheck got all screwed up and I didn't get paid until 2 days late. Stinks - because I had rent and we seriously needed groceries. It was resolved though and the admin for history was so great in helping me figure it out! Plus she offered to pay my rent and let me pay her back - I didn't take her up on it because the check came through, but how kind is that? I mean - she doesn't know me except through email! Regardless of the mess up, it was so neat to get a "paycheck" for being a student. Such a weird feeling - I've always had to work and go to school - this is going to take some getting used to (not that I'm complaining!!!).

I spent the weekend reading, reading and... well, reading. Thankfully I love to read and, with the exception of 1 book, I love everything I've been assigned. I'm still not sure the best way to approach my reading assignments. I find myself taking lots of notes and then reviewing those notes the day of class (alongside the book) to refresh my memory. Not sure if that's the best approach - but we'll see. 

Fast forward to last night - Nuns class where I choked last week.... and I think it went really well. I was by no means the most vocal - but I participated and after the first couple times I found it a lot less intimidating (yay!).  That obstacle conquered (at least for the moment) I just need to find my routine. After having a life where literally every hour from 8am - 8pm was spent on campus either working or in class having so much "free" time is confusing. In reality my mind knows that "free" time is a deceptive idea - I have plenty of work to do - but I tell that to the rest of me! Anyway - that's my current focus, getting into a rhythm and getting ahead on some of my reading so I won't prematurely reach that panic point of too much work to do. 

First Day of Class...Epic Fail!!

So yeah.... I was very excited for my first class. It's on a topic that I'm personally very interested in (Medieval/Early Modern Nuns) and I loved the reading. To make sure I was really prepared I read it twice and I had all kinds of thoughts and notes. Then I got to class and I froze!!! It may have been all the experienced grad students in the room, it may have been that the professor is also my adviser (meaning a little more pressure, at least in my mind), or that I ended up sitting right next to him --- regardless of the reason though --- I froze. Suddenly everything I had thought seemed really stupid. So I proceeded to spend 3 hours with "Say this... no that's stupid... oh shit you should have said that - she just said it and it sounded good... well say this... no that's stupid" running through my head.  Anyone who's ever taken classes with me before knows that's so not like me! I'm usually very vocal, not at all intimidated, and basically fearless about contributing. When class ended I was so frustrated and then, to make matters worse, my professor says "you need to talk next time Kimberly." Yep - epic fail. 

So walking home I beat myself up and I tossed and turned all night. This morning I decided to text my mentors, because they're the only people I know who've ever been to grad school and they know me well enough to know that not talking in class is not like me. Thank goodness I did - she calmed me down, helped me to realize 1 bad class is not that big of a deal, and restored my confidence. I've just never felt so out of my league before - but as she said "remember they chose you and you can do this!" So with a little restored confidence I will be going to my second graduate class today at 3 - Advanced Feminist Theory - and I seriously hope it goes better than last night!

Just a little overwhelemed

After getting settled into my apartment I turned my attention to school. While I'm on track to get started next week (the 30th!) the more information I get, the more confused I get. The only thing that I left feeling less confused was my meeting with Dr. Bornstein. I met with him on Friday and left knowing that I could register for classes now and I sort of knew what I was signing up for. One of my classes I had to email the instructor to get permission to enroll - which she gave me and when I called her admin to finish enrolling she had already done it -so that was really easy. Another one of my classes was in the process of transforming from a half grad / half undergrad class to 2 separate classes. After many emails trying to figure out when we'll meet I now know that I have that class Tuesdays at 5:30 -8:30. My third class I simply registered for - no problems there. So I have class Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday for a few hours each. 

I have to say - I've never had such an empty schedule before. Three classes, 1 time a week each?!? I'm sure I'll be thankful though - as the workload will be immense I'm sure - for 3 reasons: (1) everyone who has been to grad school tells me it's harder than anything I've ever done before; (2) I already have reading assignments from 2 out of 3 of my classes! and (3) I just dropped over $350 on 28 books for 3 classes! So yeah feeling a little overwhelmed... For one, I was NOT prepared to spend that much on books (why? because I'm dumb - after 5 years in school you'd think I'd know better). Two - one of my reading assignments for next week I don't actually know how to get to yet! I emailed my peer mentor and she's amazing so I'm sure she'll tell me, but in the meantime, worried! 

Meanwhile...I had orientation on Monday - which I assumed I would leave feeling more oriented. Not so much... instead I was given a ton of information that I didn't even realize I was missing that I now have to process and deal with. For example, I have to pay quarterly taxes on my stipend - taxes are not automatically deducted like a paycheck. I sat there in utter terror, because my first payment has to go out September 15th and I had no idea how much I was going to have to pay. (I went home and worked the worksheets - only need to pay a little over $100 so it's okay - but still I was terrified...) Then the health insurance information is still confusing me - I have coverage as of August 1st, but I'm not showing as registered (hearing that worries me, because I should be...) so I'm not really in the system, etc. I'm gradually sifting through all this new information and getting it under control but talk about overwhelming. 

Here's hoping that Monday's History department orientation actually serves to orient, rather than further confuse...

Moving woes and Trucks with Superman capes!

So after months of waiting and planning, I finally left Texas. You'd think with all that planning time things would've gone better... for starters my packing procrastination made it a really rough couple of weeks for me. I spent most of the first week trying to say goodbye, which sent me home in tears more than once. The second week was packing to all hours of the night (bc I was still working until Friday the 12th, leaving me mainly evenings to pack). In the process of packing I somehow seriously hurt my left knee, making it pretty much impossible to move quickly at all :-( I just hope its nothing serious and will mend itself.
Friday my wonderful brother and boyfriend came over to load everything.  When they saw the pile of boxes they both were pretty sure it wasn't all going to fit. My brother even asked "are we making 2 trips to St. Louis?"  Despite their skepticism, basically everything made it in. Yay! Then it was time for the hardest goodbye of all, my stepson. I love him so much and I know he's going to be just fine with us moving far away - we'll talk all the time and visit a lot - but I still hated to see him cry. And I know it tore my boyfriend up. Sometimes the right decisions are also the hardest.
Let me fast forward to Saturday morning at 4:45am when I was getting ready to leave (@5) and my brother says "Kim, I think its raining!" WTF!?! It hasn't rained for 45+ days and it decides to pour the morning I move? What's best - we decided not to buy a tarp when we saw the prices and the truck was sitting in the rain at that moment. So me and my boyfriend run outside, take my moms car out of the garage and back the bed of the truck in for some cover. Then we run to Walmart to buy a tarp. Only this one doesn't have them - it only has car covers - but since they are water repellent we decide to buy one and make it work. It was entirely too big though and we couldn't get it to stay tied down in the back. We had to stop 3x to fix it before we gave up and said whatever isnt covered is going to be ruined. So, until we took it off in Oklahoma, where it was no longer raining, we had what could best be described as a Superman cape on our truck. It'd be funny if I wasn't worried about all my stuff being destroyed, but I bet it will be someday.
From there the trip went pretty smooth (except somehow my data turned off and I had no GPS) and we made it safely. Unfortunately me and my mom bigtime miscalculated how far out this resort were staying in was from St. Louis, so when we arrived after 12 hours on the road tempers were kinda hot. Thankfully this place is beautiful and we're enjoying so much needed r&r. Hopefully the drive to St. Louis and moving in will be a little smoother.

Actually thinking about grad school...

Last week was my last week of teaching for Upward Bound. As much as I know that teaching high school students long term isn't for me, saying goodbye to some of my students at their award ceremony was actually bitter sweet. I really enjoyed my Women's Studies class and there really were only a handful of students that were a problem. Grading took forever, but I finished all my paper work around 1am on Friday... meaning I've had time to start thinking about grad school.

The first thing on my agenda was finding a place to live, which I accomplished within a few days. I did lots of calling around and thanks to a friend who lives in St. Louis (I'll be going to Washington University there) I was able to secure a place with minimal hassle. Now the procrastinating packing has begun. I keep looking around my place, knowing that I need to start packing something, and then I do something else instead. I think seeing my belongings packed away will make this all too real. It's already starting to sink in, since I wrote a check for my new apartment this weekend, but packing will bring it to a new level. I'm thrilled to have this opportunity, but the next few months are plagued with so many uncertainties... I'm starting to feel very nervous. New city, new school, new people, new challenges.

So I leave August 13th... only 25 days from now and I'm procrastinating to the extreme to avoid the terrible trepidation that is threatening to overtake me and I keep thinking, "what the hell did I just get myself into?"