Right now I'm feeling very conflicted. In some ways this semester is going much better - I know what I'm supposed to do and I don't feel near as anxious about my abilities. Yet, I can't help that feeling at the back of my head that reminds me that half the things I say are not as smart, thoughtful, insightful, etc as the others in my classes. I've told myself that this is a matter of training - they've got it and I don't. With some time I'll get where they are, right? But what if I don't? What if I'm not getting any better? As soon as I think I have something down, I find out that I was only getting lucky and don't really have it at all. The big question I find myself contemplating over and over - was this the right move? am I on the right track? Should I be pursuing something else? It's come to my mind a lot lately that I'd really like to be an adminstrator of a program that helps students, like McNair helped me. But is this the way to get there? I know my director back home has her PhD and teaches some classes at the university. So maybe it is. Anyway - I guess I'm just doubting everything right now.
On the flip side, I feel like I'm getting to know people (even in my department!) a lot better than before. In the past couple of weeks I've found myself engaged in conversation, outside of class, with individuals longer than ever before. So I guess that's my next positive point - I have the opportunity to know new people every semester. Maybe I didn't mesh as well with people last semester, and still not in big groups, but this semester has given me the opportunity to get to know some different people and it's been so much better.
I have a lot of work to do this week and I'm really trying to be better about motivation this week - so until next week's positive point- have a good week!
No comments:
Post a Comment