Ending this blog - starting another

Well, I haven't really kept up on my promise to come back often  - and I've decided that this is mainly because GradSchool isn't the center of what I want to talk about anymore. I'm still battling it out here, but I've mostly found my way and more often then not there isn't much to report (that can be posted at least). But I did enjoy blogging and have decided to start a new blog  called:

Random Thoughts, Grumblings, and Celebrations

 Please join me there if you ever enjoyed following this blog. Thanks!

Made it Through My First Year!!!

Sorry it's been so long since I wrote - things got busier and busier these last few months. I was feeling really overwhelmed, and didn't want to write an entirely negative, complaining post. To my total shock, however., this semester ended amazingly well. I fully expected to have an A, A-, and a B. In fact, I was so unhappy with my final paper for one of my classes that I would have been thrilled to get that B. But I made 3 As!!! I was so shocked that I logged in to double check that a mistake hadn't been made at least 10 times. But I did it - I ended my first year as a graduate student with a 3.96 GPA (which is kinda funny because that's the same GPA I graduated with a year ago)!

I started this blog about a year ago because several of my friends had suggested it would be a good way to share my experience, documenting the transition from undergrad to graduate life. I thought that transition would be done by now, that I would feel at home in grad school. I certainly felt fully competent by this point in every new job I've started, at community college, and at university. But I don't. Not even close. I think that's the main reason that grad school is such a challenge for me - I feel certain of nothing. I have to talk myself into believing that this was the right decision, that I CAN do this, at least weekly.

Having two successful semesters under my belt should really help as I move forward. It will also help (I think/hope) that I'll be graduate student senator for my department this upcoming year. That was a total shock, by the way. I received an email about a week before voting that I had been nominated for the position... I was shocked and my first impulse was to turn the nomination down. I didn't for three reasons - (1) that would be really rude - someone actually thought enough of me to nominate me, and what? I'm going to spit on that? (2) no one really knows me, no way I would win; (3) if I did win, it could be a nice thing to have a place, something that actually made me a feel a part of the department. So I accepted. Voting opened and there was a tie. I was, once again, shocked. How did enough people know and trust the shy girl, who always sits in the corner quietly listening, rarely speaking? So there was a run-off vote and I won. My response was initially overwhelming fear. Much like coming to grad school actually - I found myself thinking "What did I just get myself into?" But I'm thankful for the nominations and the votes. I've already been to one GSS event and I'm looking forward to getting to know these people better. Also, for the first time at the GHA meeting I felt like I belonged there. I had a tangible purpose and in the upcoming year, what I do will actually matter. So yes, I'm nervous - but I'm thankful.

I'm on break right now - enjoying time with my family and friends in Texas before heading back to St. Louis for my summer semester. I'll try to be more regular with my posts over the summer.

And to end this post - I want to give a great big congratulations to all my friends who just graduated this year: Melissa, Steven, Cheryl, Trish, Ashley, Nicole, Nancy, Samantha, Elizabeth, Brittany, Stacey, Ashley, Tazeen, and anyone else I may have missed (sorry). So Happy for you all and good luck as you move on to the next phase as teachers (Melissa & Steven), grad/PHd students (Nicole, Samantha, Brittany, Ashley), law students (Cheryl, Stacey), and whatever your heart desires!

Should I TA in the Fall? Scared!

So I was freaking out last week, but thanks mostly to my blog I got a lot of help for other grad students here about my options and it's looking way better. I'm going to be taking Latin this summer, and after talking to the professor I can tell it's going to work out really well for me. Plus I won't lose my funding over the summer, so all's good. Thanks to everyone for their help!

I also got to meet with my peer mentor this week (yesterday actually) and she helped me figure a lot of things out. I think I have a better idea what I should be trying to do from semester to semester now. Best part though - she gave me some tips on how she does her reading and I think it's really going to help. I've struggled since day 1 with how to get through all the material and actually get what I'm supposed to out of it. I'm sure I'll have to make adjustments to fit me, but at least I have a better starting point than before.  So that's my next positive point (I have lost count) - I've gotten to know some really great people who are more than happy to help me if I just ask. I'm going to work harder to make sure I ask questions, instead of trying to figure everything out on my own. I don't want to be a burden or seem stupid all the time, but not taking advantage of all your resources is just stupid, right?

The next obstacle is figuring out the fall. The biggest decision - will I TA? I really don't know, but I have to decide by Friday of next week. EEEK. Honestly, the idea of it terrifies me. I don't have a lot of confidence in my abilities here yet, so I'm scared that the fall might be too soon. Technically as a Chancellor's Fellow I'm not required to TA, but I know that would be a bad move. I need the experience, plus it extends my funding out 1 year. And I don't want to put it off too long... I'm just not sure that I'm ready. The undergraduate classes are setup different here than back at UTA, so I'll be dealing with another new environment. If I just new exactly what's expected of me it might be easier to decide, but from what I understand every professor is different. Time to do some soul searching - if anyone has any advice, I'm glad to have it!

Freaking Out A Little Bit... A Lot Actually

I was planning to write a very different blog than this one this week, until I got an email about summer funding for courses. See I've been thinking that I would take some language courses this summer - and according to this email that's perfectly acceptable - but I have to fill out a form saying what I'm going to take by March 5th, indicating what course I'm going to take. No problem, right? I went online to check out the language course options for this summer and they are horrible. One intensive Latin class that sounds like it's for beginners, no Spanish, no Hebrew, a couple of French reading courses, no Arabic, no Italian, no Portuguese. Really? If summer is supposed to be about language study, why don't they offer it? I seriously think my old school (which is SUPPOSEDLY inferior to Wash U) has better options for it's graduate students. I'm going to have to talk with my advisor so I can understand what the heck I'm supposed to do now - maybe I should take the Latin, even though I'm not a beginner it certainly couldn't hurt. But I'm definitely freaking out - if I'm not taking anything, I'm not getting paid, and if I'm not getting paid - how the hell am I paying my bills exactly? And that's just the money part - what about the fact that I've been counting on doing language this summer? I feel seriously sick to my stomach right now... every time I turn around there's another surprise that I was far from prepared for and don't know how to handle. So... no positive point this week - hopefully next week I'll be able to list as a positive point that it all worked itself out, hopefully...

On the right track? (and PP#6)

Right now I'm feeling very conflicted. In some ways this semester is going much better - I know what I'm supposed to do and I don't feel near as anxious about my abilities. Yet, I can't help that feeling at the back of my head that reminds me that half the things I say are not as smart, thoughtful, insightful, etc as the others in my classes. I've told myself that this is a matter of training - they've got it and I don't. With some time I'll get where they are, right? But what if I don't? What if I'm not getting any better? As soon as I think I have something down, I find out that I was only getting lucky and don't really have it at all. The big question I find myself contemplating over and over - was this the right move? am I on the right track? Should I be pursuing something else? It's come to my mind a lot lately that I'd really like to be an adminstrator of a program that helps students, like McNair helped me. But is this the way to get there? I know my director back home has her PhD and teaches some classes at the university. So maybe it is. Anyway - I guess I'm just doubting everything right now. 

On the flip side, I feel like I'm getting to know people (even in my department!) a lot better than before. In the past couple of weeks I've found myself engaged in conversation, outside of class, with individuals longer than ever before. So I guess that's my next positive point - I have the opportunity to know new people every semester. Maybe I didn't mesh as well with people last semester, and still not in big groups, but this semester has given me the opportunity to get to know some different people and it's been so much better. 

I have a lot of work to do this week and I'm really trying to be better about motivation this week - so until next week's positive point- have a good week! 

Procrastination (and PP#5)

I'm in serious procrastination mode. On the plus side I'm getting all kinds of other work done - yesterday we went to the store and got some things we really needed and hadn't bothered with. Today I think we'll go to goodwill and get an office chair if we can. And yesterday I finally unpacked the remaining boxes (you know the ones full of things that you don't REALLY need so they start to become pieces of furniture). There were still a few with things we won't unpack - so I put them up. We hung up pictures too - though we used this stuff that's not supposed to hurt the walls and now we have pictures falling randomly. So I called it quits and Sal is currently using nails. We'll just put get some putty for the holes and paint when we move in a couple years.

Anyway - all that is extremely productive, but has left me on Friday (at 1:30 in the afternoon too) with not one book even started for class next week. Yikes! I was doing so good - by this time last week I only had 1 book left to read. And not only do I need to get through these books, but I have end of semester projects to get started on. In one of my classes we have our research proposal due in less than 2 weeks and it's worth 25%. I've had moments of procrastination before, but this one is gonna make the rest of this weekend blow, because I really have to get this work done. Ugh!

On the positive side, this procrastination is sort of a good sign - I'm comfortable enough to procrastinate. Last semester, I had trouble with motivation for sure - but it was different - it was motivated by anxiety about the assignments, not pure procrastination. So I guess that's my positive point #5 - with time I'm getting more comfortable and confident, even if I'm not getting all that much better at doing my work. And now to stop procrastinating and do some of that reading...

Feeling Sunny (and PP#4)

The weather and my mood have been really sunny the last few days. I'm sure the weather has had something to do with my cheerful mood; I would never guess that it's February in Saint Louis right now - where's all that snow everyone warned me about? Not that I'm complaining - keep this beautiful weather coming! 

Besides the beautiful weather, this semester is just feeling so much better than last - despite my really rough start. For one, I don't feel as intimidated in my classes. Maybe that's because I made it through a semester and know I can do it. Maybe it's just the atmosphere in the classes. Maybe it's both. Regardless - not feeling intimidated goes a long way to my feeling good about class. Each class started with me knowing someone already, in fact two of my classes had two people I already knew in them. And in the two class sessions we've had so far, I've already started getting to know the other students and feeling comfortable around them. So that's a major plus for the semester. If I said that I felt entirely thrilled to have piles of reading to do and two discussions to lead next week, I'd be lying - but I'd also be lying if I said I was dreading my reading or classes. So I'm taking that as a major plus. 

I think one thing that's really helped is my weekly positive points, I find myself constantly thinking, "what will my next positive point be?" and it helps me stay positive. I knew I needed to change my frame of mind, but this seems to be the tool that works. For example, late last week I had a meeting that I went into feeling pretty good, but left feeling isolated. I am a loner - I really don't like getting together with people off campus that much - but I would like to feel comfortable with them on campus. Plus, I know it's mostly my fault, I'm just not good at striking up conversation or connecting with people here. But knowing that doesn't change that I felt uncomfortable and couldn't wait to get home. But, when I realized how down I was feeling, I started thinking, "how can I find a positive point in this?" I didn't find one - but trying to helped me not stay focused on how down I felt. 

I did come up with a PP #4 this week though - I really love most of what I'm assigned to read. This week all 3 of my assigned readings were really fascinating and filled with information I didn't know. I got sucked in and, if it weren't for the deadline, would have gotten lost in reading them. My only regret is that I have to read quickly to keep up with my assignments, but the exposure to so many new ideas and histories is really exciting! I know I wouldn't have had the opportunity to read so many new things (well new to me) if I had gone another route - so that's another reason I'm thankful I decided to come to graduate school!

PP #2 and #3 - Finding the bright side of a horrible week

Things have been incredibly crazy this last week, so I didn't get a chance to post my positive point (PP). I did, however, come up with one fairly easy. Positive Point #2 is that in grad school, my classes only meet 1 time a week. This was particularly positive this week, because I had to miss the first week of class. Our truck broke down and I've spent the past week anxiously working on it's repairs. We drove all through the night Sunday and only made it home Monday morning. By time we got the keys for the new apartment, got a few groceries, and brought everything from the truck into the apartment, I only had time to go to take a shower and get to class. I had a really hard time keeping my eyes open in class, but made it through. Then I came home and did homework for the two classes I have on Tuesday until I couldn't keep my eyes open. I woke up super early Tuesday and raced the clock to finish my assignments for Tuesday's classes. I made it, but barely, and certainly not at my best level. I managed to participate in class, but between being exhausted and barely prepared it was tough. But it would have been so much worse if I'd missed two classes instead of one. Hence PP#2.

In my hurry to complete my assignments I accidently sent an email without the attached book review. My professor told me just to send it to him when I got home, no problem. I got home and began to setup my computer, only to discover that for some reason my monitor wouldn't work. I tried fixing cables, replacing cables, opening up computer to fix graphics card, etc - in the end it seems that when the computer got wet back in the move in August it actually did take some damage. It just took several months to manifest itself as a slowly destroyed mother board. Anyway - I emailed my professor from my phone at 2am to tell him that I'd have to get to a public computer in the morning to email in the paper. Thankfully there's a library directly across the street from me, so that was easy to do this morning. And thankfully, my professor was extremely understanding. In fact, sensing my distress over how horribly things have started this semester, he suggested that I come by to talk and get back on track. Needless to say, this brings me to PP#3 - having an amazing, understanding, and concerned advisor. I don't know how I would have responded to a student screwing up so much in a matter of a week, but he hasn't batted an eye. He just wants to help me move past it! I'm very fortunate - I've heard horror stories about advisors who are the complete opposite.

Anyway - to wrap up my story - I have a new computer and I'm only down a little more than $300 (though with the truck repairs this has been a very expensive month). We still haven't moved much into the apartment, with all the drama of trying to get the computer operational and getting to classes. Plus it was raining today. But - we braved the rain so that I could get my bed (we had a cover to keep it from getting wet) and I'll finally be sleeping in a bed tonight!! So excited after a grabbing a few hours Sunday night in the truck and sleeping on the floor Monday and Tuesday night. And with that - Goodnight!

Positive Point #1

Winter break is almost over, and before I get back to class, I have to say how nice its been to see most (though not all) of my friends. Last semester was tough to say the least, and its good to be home in a comfortable environment. I'm trying to boost myself for next semester by knowing that I made it through my first one with two As and an A- (I have never heard of final grades coming out in + or -, but apparently that's normal everywhere I've never gone before...). I'm really happy with those grades and I feel that, despite how uncertain and behind I felt, I must not have been.

I'm trying to remind myself of all that, because after reviewing 2 of my 3 syllabi for next semester I'm officially freaking out. Its as if last semester never happened and I feel as intimidated as I did my first day. Before I was done reading one of them my stomach was in knots and I was essentially having a panic attack. I don't know why I feel this way, but I have to get passed it. My friend suggested I make a New Year's Resolution to tell myself one, NEW, positive thing about grad school every day, so that I will change my mindset. I agree with her, that I need to find the positive. I can't, however, think of even 7 things right now. So, in the interest of being realistic and setting achievable goals, I'm going to come up with 1 a week, and make myself really believe it all week.

So - Positive Point #1 - I'm finally getting paid to go to school. I had to work 40+ hours a week (sometimes as many as 90), to put myself through undergrad (which I went full-time). That was hard; I never had time for myself, my family, or my friends. I was perpetually tired and so run-down that I felt sick all the time. Now, I don't have to work, because I have a generous fellowship that supports me and allows me to focus on my education without running myself into the ground. I know that I'm very fortunate to have the Chancellor's Fellowship and I can't miss out on this opportunity, no matter how difficult it may sometimes get.