The more things change... the more the stay the same

Why, after writing about 60 or so pages in the last week, do I feel inspired to write a blog?!? Perhaps it's the wonderful feeling of knowing that I'm done. I've just turned in my last paper and my first semester in graduate school is over. It's funny, this semester has been an overwhelming change for me thus far - yet these last few weeks have felt oddly familiar. The hours at the library identifying the best sources for my papers, the anxiety about how many more pages I still have left to write, and the stupidly finishing my final edits within hours of my final deadline... all those experiences are like the end of just about every semester I've ever had at school. Sure the number of pages I had to write expanded a bit, and my confidence after turning the papers in is significantly lower... but at least its semi-familiar ground. Funny how doing something familiar makes you feel like you can do it.

I'm hoping that familiarity will make next semester much easier - though the courses will be new - grad school no longer will be completely foreign to me. Of course, if I make As this semester my confidence will be much higher going into next semester than if I make Bs. Here' s hoping! Until I get those final reports, I think I'm just going to relax and try to forget that I'm still anxiously awaiting confirmation that I've successfully survived my first semester in graduate school! 

Thinking about next semester

Over the last couple weeks I had to look at classes and register for next semester. What a frustrating process, at least when compared to Undergrad! As an Undergraduate I had a 2 majors and 2 minors to fulfill requirements for, but at least I knew what I needed to take. Each major/minor had a set of required courses (or ranges of courses) and I kept track of what I had taken and knew what I still needed to take. I could easily see how many more semesters I needed to complete my requirements. I knew that if I took a heavy load in 1 semester I could get out earlier.

How I wish it was remotely close to that as a Graduate student. I know that before I finish with my PhD I'll need 72 graduate credit hours - no more, no less - but how many of those do I need to have completed before I can do my exams? How many hours do I earn while working on my dissertation, if any? I know that it usually is two years of course work and then the third year is exams - but if I'm taking the required 3 courses a semester (12 hours), I won't get to 72 hours until I've finished 3 years. Can I take courses over the summer? I hope so - because I really want to go through this as quickly as possible, plus my income depends on it. I was under the impression when I chose WashU that I'd have work to do over the summer, but now I'm starting to wonder. That aside - what should I take? What can I take? Does anything I pick count toward those hours? Or am I wasting my time in other courses? How I wish there was a guide that said "take any combination of these courses to get these hours before you begin your exams."

Anyway - that frustration aside, I've picked my three classes for next semester and I seriously hope they're useful to me in the long run. They sound interesting, and I'm pretty sure two of them will really be useful for my long term goals. But the last one, well I'm not so sure. When I asked my advisor if I should take it and what my other options were (because there really were no other courses that I saw good for me to take) he said he thought it was my best option. But is it my best option because there's nothing else? or because it's actually going to help me? I think the hardest thing about Graduate school is not the course work, but the confusion and the uncertainty that I'm constantly plagued by. I want to know what I have to do, so that I can know that I'm actually moving forward towards a goal. Right now, I have no idea - I might be treading water, barely keeping my head above. Or - I might be swimming along nicely. Whichever it is, I wish I knew.

Its Been Awhile...

I've been away from my blog for a while, so I thought I'd do I quick update. I had stopped writing for a little bit at first because I was having a rough time and didn't want my blog to become a place where all I do is complain. 

That being said, things have gotten a lot better. I'd say the main change is my frame of mind - I've stopped putting so much pressure on myself. Not that I don't want to do well - of course I still do - but I'm no longer telling myself "grad school is your only option." It's funny - as soon as told myself that if I didn't want to get my PhD (or wasn't able to) it was okay, I started to regain confidence that it I belong here (and that I can do it). Also important to my reversal - I met with my adviser. I should have done that a while before, but I was embarrassed I guess, by the feeling that I wasn't doing well. But the time finally came that I had to, and I'm so glad I did. He gave me some positive feedback and helped me see that I'm not doing so badly after all. That's not to say I'm doing perfectly - I'm most certainly not - but at least I know I'm on the right track and not failing out. 

The problem I'm having right now is motivation. I'm so used to a schedule that has no wiggle room, so this schedule that is so open is actually difficult for me to manage. It's too easy to tell myself that I'll have time later, because I have more time than I've ever had before. I'm trying to force myself into a schedule as if I had work and class all the time again, so that I'll be more productive. Even with my lack of motivation, I'm keeping up with my weekly assignments. I just know that I'm getting a little behind of where I would ideally be for my end of semester papers. I'll figure it out I'm sure - it's a funny thing though - who'd have thought that having too much time would be a problem? 

A pretty great week

I'd be lying if I said it was an amazing week - but it certainly has been a pretty good one! For one, possibly most significant, is that I've started getting some feedback in my classes and, to my astonishment, it has been positive. Again, I'd be lying if I said I did fantastic, but when you've been operating in the general assumption that you feel stupid and thus are coming across as stupid, it's really nice to learn otherwise. I've still got a lot to figure out, but I think I'm finally starting to believe I can actually do it. So, when I hit some low points in the weeks to come (bc realistically I will) I can look back at this and remember that I can do this!

What a roller coaster!!!

This week has been the toughest week yet, but also one of the best... such a roller coaster of emotions!! I guess I have to start with Thursday, where I last left off, slightly confused - but overall feeling pretty good... (I apologize in advance for the length)

Right after that post I went to class and felt really lost. At moments I felt like I'd read something different than everyone else (they probably thought that too). I tried to shake it off and thought I'd been successful. So I settled in for a long weekend of reading and writing.

That brings us to Sunday - first as I was reading I got so frustrated I had to start making some calls back home just so I could get someone to help me understand a section in my advanced feminist theory reading. So frustrating, as I'm used to getting those calls, not making them. Then there was the history department reception. This was such a nice reception (much fancier than anything back home) and everyone is super friendly. So why did I leave feeling incredibly sad and homesick?! I think it boils down to not being home. I couldn't help but think of similar receptions I've been to back home and that of course made me miss the people.

These very minor, simple events sent me into a depressive spiral. I woke up Monday ready to quit and go home (maybe a little melodramatic, but you get the picture - I was very unhappy). I called one of my best friends, who immediately took a lunch break to talk me off my ledge. Sometimes you just have to get in a good cry with someone you know loves you. Thank you (I try never to use names on here,  but you know who you are) love you, miss you!

Anyway besides feeling homesick I've just been feeling incredibly inadequate and well... dumb. I didn't come here with very much confidence, I've had to work to hard with too many voices (some real, some imagined) telling me I wasn't smart enough and didn't belong - and then moving across states to a new place to do something so foreign left me very vulnerable. And these last few weeks have crushed the confidence I had. But my friend (followed up by another amazing friend that evening xoxo) helped me get a bit of that back and reminded me of the other voices that have supported me these last several years. Within that day I had several people let me know they're thinking about and supporting me from afar - couldn't have been better timed or more appreciated. Thanks again!

So Tuesday came and I felt refreshed and a little more confident. I still get butterflies for a good hour or two before class, but class went great - I felt like I had a clue. Wednesday's class went equally well. And I'm starting to feel more comfortable with some of my classmates.

And then Thursday again... yikes that class is going to be the death of me! I just never am asking the right questions and seem to be missing the big points everyone else sees. This makes me very nervous because I have to present on Thursday and I really don't want to suck! I haven't let it freak me out yet and spent a nice day with my boyfriend not thinking about any of it. We did some grocery shopping and watched a movie. I also got to talk to my brother and hear that he's still doing great at school and loving it. Seeing him conquer his fears and very real disabilities (as opposed to my self-imposed fears) gives me motivation to keep pushing. Not to mention he gave me some great advice and is cheering me on as much as I'm cheering him on.

So I realize this is a long blog - sorry about that (for those who actually are reading this thing to the end). I hope it was worth it to get another week of my new life in graduate school!

Working out the kinks (and proud moments as a big sister)

I'm sitting outside waiting for my next class and thought I'd do a quick update... seems that I've still got a few kinks to work out. Nothing major, but its kind of funny how much I still don't know just about the basics of being a grad student here. For 1, I just discovered that I have a mail box, which I should have been checking ... oops! I'm just glad they sent a reminder email about the reception or I would have been a no-show just because the original invite was in my box. In the course of finding that out I also learned that I should have picked up a key for the grad office, a copy code, and that my id should let me into the building on weekends. I wouldn't know any of this without my peer mentor, who I seem to need to email daily! The question is - what else do I not know & how should I have known? Of course, everyone is very understanding of my ignorance, but it's not fun being so unaware!
On a different, slightly unrelated, note - my little brother started college this year and is doing great. Its awesome to be able to help him avoid the trouble I had figuring things out and I'm so proud of how well he's doing! He's making As so far and applying himself so well... which isn't a big deal in terms of how smart he is, but is a big deal when you know his previous record of slacking a bit. Oh and he's in Photoshop for one of his classes - check out the cow he drew in there? Isn't it cute?!
Anyway.... class time!

Finding a rhythm

After last week's blog I was given so many encouraging comments from people who've been there - and it helped a lot. Knowing I was not alone in freezing up and the encouragement made the rest of the week much better. Thanks (you know who you are - assuming you haven't given up reading) !!  I went to Advanced Feminist Theory confident and participated easily. Admittedly, the environment was a lot less intimidating, making it a lot easier to be myself. Literature of History was great - mainly because we didn't really do anything - sort of refreshing considering how my other classes had us doing a decent amount for week 1. Anyway - I went into the weekend (which is Friday - Monday for me) feeling a lot better. 

The one negative was that my paycheck got all screwed up and I didn't get paid until 2 days late. Stinks - because I had rent and we seriously needed groceries. It was resolved though and the admin for history was so great in helping me figure it out! Plus she offered to pay my rent and let me pay her back - I didn't take her up on it because the check came through, but how kind is that? I mean - she doesn't know me except through email! Regardless of the mess up, it was so neat to get a "paycheck" for being a student. Such a weird feeling - I've always had to work and go to school - this is going to take some getting used to (not that I'm complaining!!!).

I spent the weekend reading, reading and... well, reading. Thankfully I love to read and, with the exception of 1 book, I love everything I've been assigned. I'm still not sure the best way to approach my reading assignments. I find myself taking lots of notes and then reviewing those notes the day of class (alongside the book) to refresh my memory. Not sure if that's the best approach - but we'll see. 

Fast forward to last night - Nuns class where I choked last week.... and I think it went really well. I was by no means the most vocal - but I participated and after the first couple times I found it a lot less intimidating (yay!).  That obstacle conquered (at least for the moment) I just need to find my routine. After having a life where literally every hour from 8am - 8pm was spent on campus either working or in class having so much "free" time is confusing. In reality my mind knows that "free" time is a deceptive idea - I have plenty of work to do - but I tell that to the rest of me! Anyway - that's my current focus, getting into a rhythm and getting ahead on some of my reading so I won't prematurely reach that panic point of too much work to do. 

First Day of Class...Epic Fail!!

So yeah.... I was very excited for my first class. It's on a topic that I'm personally very interested in (Medieval/Early Modern Nuns) and I loved the reading. To make sure I was really prepared I read it twice and I had all kinds of thoughts and notes. Then I got to class and I froze!!! It may have been all the experienced grad students in the room, it may have been that the professor is also my adviser (meaning a little more pressure, at least in my mind), or that I ended up sitting right next to him --- regardless of the reason though --- I froze. Suddenly everything I had thought seemed really stupid. So I proceeded to spend 3 hours with "Say this... no that's stupid... oh shit you should have said that - she just said it and it sounded good... well say this... no that's stupid" running through my head.  Anyone who's ever taken classes with me before knows that's so not like me! I'm usually very vocal, not at all intimidated, and basically fearless about contributing. When class ended I was so frustrated and then, to make matters worse, my professor says "you need to talk next time Kimberly." Yep - epic fail. 

So walking home I beat myself up and I tossed and turned all night. This morning I decided to text my mentors, because they're the only people I know who've ever been to grad school and they know me well enough to know that not talking in class is not like me. Thank goodness I did - she calmed me down, helped me to realize 1 bad class is not that big of a deal, and restored my confidence. I've just never felt so out of my league before - but as she said "remember they chose you and you can do this!" So with a little restored confidence I will be going to my second graduate class today at 3 - Advanced Feminist Theory - and I seriously hope it goes better than last night!

Just a little overwhelemed

After getting settled into my apartment I turned my attention to school. While I'm on track to get started next week (the 30th!) the more information I get, the more confused I get. The only thing that I left feeling less confused was my meeting with Dr. Bornstein. I met with him on Friday and left knowing that I could register for classes now and I sort of knew what I was signing up for. One of my classes I had to email the instructor to get permission to enroll - which she gave me and when I called her admin to finish enrolling she had already done it -so that was really easy. Another one of my classes was in the process of transforming from a half grad / half undergrad class to 2 separate classes. After many emails trying to figure out when we'll meet I now know that I have that class Tuesdays at 5:30 -8:30. My third class I simply registered for - no problems there. So I have class Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday for a few hours each. 

I have to say - I've never had such an empty schedule before. Three classes, 1 time a week each?!? I'm sure I'll be thankful though - as the workload will be immense I'm sure - for 3 reasons: (1) everyone who has been to grad school tells me it's harder than anything I've ever done before; (2) I already have reading assignments from 2 out of 3 of my classes! and (3) I just dropped over $350 on 28 books for 3 classes! So yeah feeling a little overwhelmed... For one, I was NOT prepared to spend that much on books (why? because I'm dumb - after 5 years in school you'd think I'd know better). Two - one of my reading assignments for next week I don't actually know how to get to yet! I emailed my peer mentor and she's amazing so I'm sure she'll tell me, but in the meantime, worried! 

Meanwhile...I had orientation on Monday - which I assumed I would leave feeling more oriented. Not so much... instead I was given a ton of information that I didn't even realize I was missing that I now have to process and deal with. For example, I have to pay quarterly taxes on my stipend - taxes are not automatically deducted like a paycheck. I sat there in utter terror, because my first payment has to go out September 15th and I had no idea how much I was going to have to pay. (I went home and worked the worksheets - only need to pay a little over $100 so it's okay - but still I was terrified...) Then the health insurance information is still confusing me - I have coverage as of August 1st, but I'm not showing as registered (hearing that worries me, because I should be...) so I'm not really in the system, etc. I'm gradually sifting through all this new information and getting it under control but talk about overwhelming. 

Here's hoping that Monday's History department orientation actually serves to orient, rather than further confuse...

Moving woes and Trucks with Superman capes!

So after months of waiting and planning, I finally left Texas. You'd think with all that planning time things would've gone better... for starters my packing procrastination made it a really rough couple of weeks for me. I spent most of the first week trying to say goodbye, which sent me home in tears more than once. The second week was packing to all hours of the night (bc I was still working until Friday the 12th, leaving me mainly evenings to pack). In the process of packing I somehow seriously hurt my left knee, making it pretty much impossible to move quickly at all :-( I just hope its nothing serious and will mend itself.
Friday my wonderful brother and boyfriend came over to load everything.  When they saw the pile of boxes they both were pretty sure it wasn't all going to fit. My brother even asked "are we making 2 trips to St. Louis?"  Despite their skepticism, basically everything made it in. Yay! Then it was time for the hardest goodbye of all, my stepson. I love him so much and I know he's going to be just fine with us moving far away - we'll talk all the time and visit a lot - but I still hated to see him cry. And I know it tore my boyfriend up. Sometimes the right decisions are also the hardest.
Let me fast forward to Saturday morning at 4:45am when I was getting ready to leave (@5) and my brother says "Kim, I think its raining!" WTF!?! It hasn't rained for 45+ days and it decides to pour the morning I move? What's best - we decided not to buy a tarp when we saw the prices and the truck was sitting in the rain at that moment. So me and my boyfriend run outside, take my moms car out of the garage and back the bed of the truck in for some cover. Then we run to Walmart to buy a tarp. Only this one doesn't have them - it only has car covers - but since they are water repellent we decide to buy one and make it work. It was entirely too big though and we couldn't get it to stay tied down in the back. We had to stop 3x to fix it before we gave up and said whatever isnt covered is going to be ruined. So, until we took it off in Oklahoma, where it was no longer raining, we had what could best be described as a Superman cape on our truck. It'd be funny if I wasn't worried about all my stuff being destroyed, but I bet it will be someday.
From there the trip went pretty smooth (except somehow my data turned off and I had no GPS) and we made it safely. Unfortunately me and my mom bigtime miscalculated how far out this resort were staying in was from St. Louis, so when we arrived after 12 hours on the road tempers were kinda hot. Thankfully this place is beautiful and we're enjoying so much needed r&r. Hopefully the drive to St. Louis and moving in will be a little smoother.

Actually thinking about grad school...

Last week was my last week of teaching for Upward Bound. As much as I know that teaching high school students long term isn't for me, saying goodbye to some of my students at their award ceremony was actually bitter sweet. I really enjoyed my Women's Studies class and there really were only a handful of students that were a problem. Grading took forever, but I finished all my paper work around 1am on Friday... meaning I've had time to start thinking about grad school.

The first thing on my agenda was finding a place to live, which I accomplished within a few days. I did lots of calling around and thanks to a friend who lives in St. Louis (I'll be going to Washington University there) I was able to secure a place with minimal hassle. Now the procrastinating packing has begun. I keep looking around my place, knowing that I need to start packing something, and then I do something else instead. I think seeing my belongings packed away will make this all too real. It's already starting to sink in, since I wrote a check for my new apartment this weekend, but packing will bring it to a new level. I'm thrilled to have this opportunity, but the next few months are plagued with so many uncertainties... I'm starting to feel very nervous. New city, new school, new people, new challenges.

So I leave August 13th... only 25 days from now and I'm procrastinating to the extreme to avoid the terrible trepidation that is threatening to overtake me and I keep thinking, "what the hell did I just get myself into?"

The coolest app for fellow bookworms

I've always had the hardest time keeping track of which books I own and have read. I'm always losing books because I loan them out and I have random scraps of paper all over with recommended book titles or authors scribbled on them in the hope that I'll read them someday. I've told myself I'd keep a notebook or an excel spreadsheet to keep track, but its never happened.

Finally last night, as I tried to figure out what new book I wanted to start, I decided to look for an app. And I found a really cool one. It's called BooksAp and you can check it out at http://books-app.com/. It has a barcode scanner that automatically adds your books. Like all barcode scanners I've used, it doesn't work every time, but you can also search for books and add them via Google books.  It automatically sorts your books by author and you can put the books into series. You also can create collections. For example, I'm using a collection called "to buy" for the books that I still want to buy or that have been recommended to me. I have another list called "to read" for the books I own but haven't read yet.

My favorite feature though is the "lend to a friend." You can select any book from your library and there is a link to click on if you loan the book out. That link synchs with your contacts and you select the friend you loan it to. If I'd had this a few years ago I wouldn't be wondering what happened to my Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. 

Anyway it has a lot of features I haven't had time to really explore yet, but I'm really excited about what I have found and wanted to share! Happy reading!

Not meant to teach high school...

I've been away for a bit because I've been incredibly busy trying to get through teaching this summer. I still have 3 weeks left and I can't wait for it to be over! Thankfully 3 weeks means teaching 8 more classes total after today, which isn't so bad. I just had the longest weekend ever due to the program... we went to Weatherford for their Academic Bowl competition. I was the social studies coach, which meant I had to be there all weekend to monitor students and help out with the events. I had some great times - for example watching our basketball team win 1st place in the championship - but there were more not so great times. Like when I got to haul all the girls bags onto the back of the bus and get all sweaty before we left. Or when I got to haul all the bags off the bus when we got there (I did the bags 4x...). Or when I didn't get dinner because I was grading tests. You get the point - the kids had fun, I worked.

Anyway classes started back yesterday. The kids didn't get a weekend (nor did I), so we're all tired and I just don't have it in me to try and come up with great lessons. Movies are wonderful things... the kids like watching them and they mean less work for me. Plus they actually can be educational...

What a Week!

I haven't posted for a while because I've been busy having one of the busiest weeks ever! I started classes on Monday and started teaching on Tuesday. If that wasn't enough to keep me busy, I was also tutoring a little bit this week. Let's just say I really underestimated how busy I'd be and overestimated my ability to deal...

So first - let's talk about ridiculously long days! Monday we got to campus by 8:15am and didn't leave until 8:45pm. Tuesday we got there at 7:30 and left around 4:30. Wednesday was 9am to 9pm.... you get the idea. The worst part was, I was busy for every minute I was there. If I wasn't teaching, I was learning. Talk about mental exhaustion.

I had planned to combat my mental exhaustion and stress by taking scuba diving. What a let down! I couldn't have hated it more. I'm a swimmer. Scuba diving is about sitting under water. We didn't swim, we sat and froze our asses off. Not exactly my idea of a good time. And we had to haul around our gear, wear heavy weight belts so we'd sink, and after all that - sit in a classroom for an hour and learn the SCIENCE of scuba diving. Well anyone who knows me knows that the entry of science marked my departure from the class. Yep, I dropped it. I'll stick with swimming laps, which I love.

And I'll be doing lots of lap swimming to deal with the stress of teaching. Don't get me wrong, I do like to teach. But I decided to be a professor and not a middle/high school teacher for a reason. This week has served to reinforce that I made the right decision. These kids are smart, more dedicated and focused than most their age, and still they are... well their age (15-17). I just prefer adults, what can I say. I have 20 students in my Spanish I class, which I realize is not that many, but it's more than enough for 8am. Especially since these teens ARE morning people and are already bouncing off the walls. Actually they may just be on a caffeine high, because by an hour in they are done bouncing off the walls and I'm having to keep them awake. On the other hand, I think I'm really going to enjoy my Women's Studies class. There's only 11 of them (well 9 were there on Wednesday), and it's a discussion class, instead of lecture. I'll know tomorrow when I see if they did their reading and are able to engage in coherent discussion.

On the plus side of the week - my French is flying back to me! My first week in a graduate class went really well, and if I do say so myself, I'm one of the best at it! I'm sure the fact that I: (1) took French extensively once upon a time, and (2) know Latin and Spanish pretty well has have helped quite a bit. Either way, I don't suck and that's an exiting way to start my first graduate class!

Sleep was a real issue this week  - I was going to bed at 2 and 3 am and waking up by 7 at the latest. I made up for it yesterday though. Went to bed Friday night at 11:30pm and didn't wake up until 1:15pm!! I didn't even know I could sleep like that anymore, it's been so long, but I guess I really needed it. Then we went to spend the day with my stepson and his family - I had a kinda pathetic birthday due to my crazy week and lack of sleep (thanks to Laura who joined me for drinks on Thursday it wasn't truly pathetic. Thanks for lifting my spirits girl!), but they surprised me with a tres leches birthday cake, making up for my lackluster birthday. Then we went to the creek, where I proceeded to think I was a kid again and walk around barefoot in the water, falling on my ass (2 times actually), once with my cell phone in my pocket. So I'm waiting for my replacement to come in on Tuesday (I have a long, bad history with phones and am always well equipped with insurance). Despite the damaged phone it was a really great time and I know the kids had a blast.

Oh and I just got an email from WashU about setting up my student ID and email address. Yay!! Things are starting to fall into place! Anywho - that's a really quick snapshot of my crazy week. I'm finally done grading papers (that's a real drag, BTW... I think I hate grading essays more than they hate writing them), so I'm off to do my French homework.

Sad news... the Entourage eDGe has been discontinued :-(

The Entourage eDGe, may she rest in peace :-(

Many have seen me using my eDGe in class and have heard me talk about her amazing features. Honestly, I think the eDGe has to be one of the greatest devices created for academics, so you can imagine my dismay when I went to their website today and discovered that the Entourage eDGe is no more!!!

Reviewers are talking about how having both an eInk reader screen and an Android powered LCD made it too heavy and too expensive. I have to disagree completely. Devices, like the IPAD for example, may be lighter weight, but they are much more costly and are not nearly as functional as the eDGe. The eDGe allows me to read pdf and epub files and annotate them with a stylus. I can then re-save the file in pdf form with my annotations. And that's just the reader functions! There's also the note pad, not to mention android applications, Docs to Go, audio recorder and a lot more!

I just can't imagine not having mine and I think it's a real loss that they've been discontinued. I just hope someone in the near future picks up where they left off and advertises better! I think this reflects on our society's priorities... we have all these gadgets that are so expensive and yet do great because they cater to our obsessive need for entertainment. Meanwhile, a device that caters to the academic fails. Oh well, I guess I'm just glad I have mine. Still a sad day in my book... :-(

Vacuum Storage Bags

Today I did some packing. Well, technically I was re-packing. I had already tried to pack up all but a few outfits for the summer, but I ran out of space. So I ordered some of those storage bags that you use a vacuum to suck out all the air. So today I re-packed my clothes using the vacuum bags and eliminated an entire suitcase! Yay for small victories!

On an entirely different note, I did some more work on my Spanish I lesson plans. Again, wow is this time consuming! I've got the vocab lists for the entire course, worksheets and quizzes for my first unit written, as well as the directions and rubric for their family tree project. So many small details to attend to. I was freaking out, but then my friend, who just got a job teaching with the program this summer as well, texted me. He was freaking out too - so I feel a little better. Apparently my panic is well-founded. :-)

Wrapped up my day babysitting the most adorable 18 month-old little girl in the world. Her parents went to dinner and I worked on lesson plans while watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer (she was asleep already). Fabulous end to a pretty productive day!

I got a job! Yay!?!?

Trying to find a solution to my lack of funds for moving - I applied for a job teaching this summer. Last week I found out that I've been given three classes and I was thrilled. After today, however, I'm questioning how well this is going to work out. I spent most my day preparing my Spanish class materials. I wrote my syllabus (including agenda and grading scale). I threw in the towel while working on my vocab lists.

I need the money and I really do love teaching, so I'm not about to give up, but seriously... I never dreamed this planning would take me so long! I mean who'd have thought that putting together an agenda and the materials for a class that meets 4 hours a week for 6 weeks would be so difficult? To be fair, I think this is more difficult than a normal high school situation. I've been told here's your class title, teach what you want. No textbook. No objectives. No expectations. The freedom is great, but maybe just a little bit crippling. It's exciting though, and ultimately I'm a nerd so (complaining about the work aside) most of me is loving this.

I've never written a blog before...

This has been by far one of the most interesting, surprising years of excitement in my life and it's only going to get crazier! So at the request of several of my friends, I'm going to keep a blog of my journey. Hopefully I don't suck at blog writing - but I've never tried it nor have I ever really followed anyone else's blog - so it could be a complete disaster. With the disclaimer out of the way let me fill in some background....

I am the first one in my family to attempt college (I just graduated with a BA in History and a BA in English May 15th!!!) - and about a 1 1/2 ago I decided that I was going to go all the way and earn my PhD. This was a really scary decision for me because I had no idea if I could compete to get into good schools. And even if I got in - I didn't know if they would give me funding. Without funding there was no way that I could afford to go. But I decided to go for it and this spring it paid off. I was accepted into 11 graduate programs, 9 of which gave me full scholarships plus living stipends. Starting in January I was getting emails, letters, and phone calls from top programs all over the country and they were recruiting ME! I spent the better part of two months traveling around the country and on phone calls with some of the greatest scholars in my field (which is late medieval/early modern gender history if you were wondering). It was like my very own Cinderella story (thankfully without the glass slippers and awkward ball gown). It even ended with a very teary graduation and Channel 8 news doing a story about me just a couple weeks ago (talk about unreal! Here's a link to the WFAA News Story!)

Finally I decided on Washington University in St. Louis, where I will be funded for 8 years, and I will be studying with Dr. Daniel Bornstein. I won their Chancellor's Fellowship, which includes an unheard of living stipend and a great community of Fellows. I couldn't be more excited to move to St. Louis and start the next chapter of my life. And that brings us to my current situation - which includes a couple huge problems to get past this summer:

1. I can't actually afford to move and the money doesn't start until the end of August
2. I own my place and need to figure out what the hell I'm doing with it

I'm sure in retrospect they will seem like minor problems, but at the moment they are terrifying (doesn't being broke blow?). Anyway stay tuned - I'll be checking in throughout the summer to update everyone.