Procrastination (and PP#5)

I'm in serious procrastination mode. On the plus side I'm getting all kinds of other work done - yesterday we went to the store and got some things we really needed and hadn't bothered with. Today I think we'll go to goodwill and get an office chair if we can. And yesterday I finally unpacked the remaining boxes (you know the ones full of things that you don't REALLY need so they start to become pieces of furniture). There were still a few with things we won't unpack - so I put them up. We hung up pictures too - though we used this stuff that's not supposed to hurt the walls and now we have pictures falling randomly. So I called it quits and Sal is currently using nails. We'll just put get some putty for the holes and paint when we move in a couple years.

Anyway - all that is extremely productive, but has left me on Friday (at 1:30 in the afternoon too) with not one book even started for class next week. Yikes! I was doing so good - by this time last week I only had 1 book left to read. And not only do I need to get through these books, but I have end of semester projects to get started on. In one of my classes we have our research proposal due in less than 2 weeks and it's worth 25%. I've had moments of procrastination before, but this one is gonna make the rest of this weekend blow, because I really have to get this work done. Ugh!

On the positive side, this procrastination is sort of a good sign - I'm comfortable enough to procrastinate. Last semester, I had trouble with motivation for sure - but it was different - it was motivated by anxiety about the assignments, not pure procrastination. So I guess that's my positive point #5 - with time I'm getting more comfortable and confident, even if I'm not getting all that much better at doing my work. And now to stop procrastinating and do some of that reading...

Feeling Sunny (and PP#4)

The weather and my mood have been really sunny the last few days. I'm sure the weather has had something to do with my cheerful mood; I would never guess that it's February in Saint Louis right now - where's all that snow everyone warned me about? Not that I'm complaining - keep this beautiful weather coming! 

Besides the beautiful weather, this semester is just feeling so much better than last - despite my really rough start. For one, I don't feel as intimidated in my classes. Maybe that's because I made it through a semester and know I can do it. Maybe it's just the atmosphere in the classes. Maybe it's both. Regardless - not feeling intimidated goes a long way to my feeling good about class. Each class started with me knowing someone already, in fact two of my classes had two people I already knew in them. And in the two class sessions we've had so far, I've already started getting to know the other students and feeling comfortable around them. So that's a major plus for the semester. If I said that I felt entirely thrilled to have piles of reading to do and two discussions to lead next week, I'd be lying - but I'd also be lying if I said I was dreading my reading or classes. So I'm taking that as a major plus. 

I think one thing that's really helped is my weekly positive points, I find myself constantly thinking, "what will my next positive point be?" and it helps me stay positive. I knew I needed to change my frame of mind, but this seems to be the tool that works. For example, late last week I had a meeting that I went into feeling pretty good, but left feeling isolated. I am a loner - I really don't like getting together with people off campus that much - but I would like to feel comfortable with them on campus. Plus, I know it's mostly my fault, I'm just not good at striking up conversation or connecting with people here. But knowing that doesn't change that I felt uncomfortable and couldn't wait to get home. But, when I realized how down I was feeling, I started thinking, "how can I find a positive point in this?" I didn't find one - but trying to helped me not stay focused on how down I felt. 

I did come up with a PP #4 this week though - I really love most of what I'm assigned to read. This week all 3 of my assigned readings were really fascinating and filled with information I didn't know. I got sucked in and, if it weren't for the deadline, would have gotten lost in reading them. My only regret is that I have to read quickly to keep up with my assignments, but the exposure to so many new ideas and histories is really exciting! I know I wouldn't have had the opportunity to read so many new things (well new to me) if I had gone another route - so that's another reason I'm thankful I decided to come to graduate school!

PP #2 and #3 - Finding the bright side of a horrible week

Things have been incredibly crazy this last week, so I didn't get a chance to post my positive point (PP). I did, however, come up with one fairly easy. Positive Point #2 is that in grad school, my classes only meet 1 time a week. This was particularly positive this week, because I had to miss the first week of class. Our truck broke down and I've spent the past week anxiously working on it's repairs. We drove all through the night Sunday and only made it home Monday morning. By time we got the keys for the new apartment, got a few groceries, and brought everything from the truck into the apartment, I only had time to go to take a shower and get to class. I had a really hard time keeping my eyes open in class, but made it through. Then I came home and did homework for the two classes I have on Tuesday until I couldn't keep my eyes open. I woke up super early Tuesday and raced the clock to finish my assignments for Tuesday's classes. I made it, but barely, and certainly not at my best level. I managed to participate in class, but between being exhausted and barely prepared it was tough. But it would have been so much worse if I'd missed two classes instead of one. Hence PP#2.

In my hurry to complete my assignments I accidently sent an email without the attached book review. My professor told me just to send it to him when I got home, no problem. I got home and began to setup my computer, only to discover that for some reason my monitor wouldn't work. I tried fixing cables, replacing cables, opening up computer to fix graphics card, etc - in the end it seems that when the computer got wet back in the move in August it actually did take some damage. It just took several months to manifest itself as a slowly destroyed mother board. Anyway - I emailed my professor from my phone at 2am to tell him that I'd have to get to a public computer in the morning to email in the paper. Thankfully there's a library directly across the street from me, so that was easy to do this morning. And thankfully, my professor was extremely understanding. In fact, sensing my distress over how horribly things have started this semester, he suggested that I come by to talk and get back on track. Needless to say, this brings me to PP#3 - having an amazing, understanding, and concerned advisor. I don't know how I would have responded to a student screwing up so much in a matter of a week, but he hasn't batted an eye. He just wants to help me move past it! I'm very fortunate - I've heard horror stories about advisors who are the complete opposite.

Anyway - to wrap up my story - I have a new computer and I'm only down a little more than $300 (though with the truck repairs this has been a very expensive month). We still haven't moved much into the apartment, with all the drama of trying to get the computer operational and getting to classes. Plus it was raining today. But - we braved the rain so that I could get my bed (we had a cover to keep it from getting wet) and I'll finally be sleeping in a bed tonight!! So excited after a grabbing a few hours Sunday night in the truck and sleeping on the floor Monday and Tuesday night. And with that - Goodnight!

Positive Point #1

Winter break is almost over, and before I get back to class, I have to say how nice its been to see most (though not all) of my friends. Last semester was tough to say the least, and its good to be home in a comfortable environment. I'm trying to boost myself for next semester by knowing that I made it through my first one with two As and an A- (I have never heard of final grades coming out in + or -, but apparently that's normal everywhere I've never gone before...). I'm really happy with those grades and I feel that, despite how uncertain and behind I felt, I must not have been.

I'm trying to remind myself of all that, because after reviewing 2 of my 3 syllabi for next semester I'm officially freaking out. Its as if last semester never happened and I feel as intimidated as I did my first day. Before I was done reading one of them my stomach was in knots and I was essentially having a panic attack. I don't know why I feel this way, but I have to get passed it. My friend suggested I make a New Year's Resolution to tell myself one, NEW, positive thing about grad school every day, so that I will change my mindset. I agree with her, that I need to find the positive. I can't, however, think of even 7 things right now. So, in the interest of being realistic and setting achievable goals, I'm going to come up with 1 a week, and make myself really believe it all week.

So - Positive Point #1 - I'm finally getting paid to go to school. I had to work 40+ hours a week (sometimes as many as 90), to put myself through undergrad (which I went full-time). That was hard; I never had time for myself, my family, or my friends. I was perpetually tired and so run-down that I felt sick all the time. Now, I don't have to work, because I have a generous fellowship that supports me and allows me to focus on my education without running myself into the ground. I know that I'm very fortunate to have the Chancellor's Fellowship and I can't miss out on this opportunity, no matter how difficult it may sometimes get.

The more things change... the more the stay the same

Why, after writing about 60 or so pages in the last week, do I feel inspired to write a blog?!? Perhaps it's the wonderful feeling of knowing that I'm done. I've just turned in my last paper and my first semester in graduate school is over. It's funny, this semester has been an overwhelming change for me thus far - yet these last few weeks have felt oddly familiar. The hours at the library identifying the best sources for my papers, the anxiety about how many more pages I still have left to write, and the stupidly finishing my final edits within hours of my final deadline... all those experiences are like the end of just about every semester I've ever had at school. Sure the number of pages I had to write expanded a bit, and my confidence after turning the papers in is significantly lower... but at least its semi-familiar ground. Funny how doing something familiar makes you feel like you can do it.

I'm hoping that familiarity will make next semester much easier - though the courses will be new - grad school no longer will be completely foreign to me. Of course, if I make As this semester my confidence will be much higher going into next semester than if I make Bs. Here' s hoping! Until I get those final reports, I think I'm just going to relax and try to forget that I'm still anxiously awaiting confirmation that I've successfully survived my first semester in graduate school! 

Thinking about next semester

Over the last couple weeks I had to look at classes and register for next semester. What a frustrating process, at least when compared to Undergrad! As an Undergraduate I had a 2 majors and 2 minors to fulfill requirements for, but at least I knew what I needed to take. Each major/minor had a set of required courses (or ranges of courses) and I kept track of what I had taken and knew what I still needed to take. I could easily see how many more semesters I needed to complete my requirements. I knew that if I took a heavy load in 1 semester I could get out earlier.

How I wish it was remotely close to that as a Graduate student. I know that before I finish with my PhD I'll need 72 graduate credit hours - no more, no less - but how many of those do I need to have completed before I can do my exams? How many hours do I earn while working on my dissertation, if any? I know that it usually is two years of course work and then the third year is exams - but if I'm taking the required 3 courses a semester (12 hours), I won't get to 72 hours until I've finished 3 years. Can I take courses over the summer? I hope so - because I really want to go through this as quickly as possible, plus my income depends on it. I was under the impression when I chose WashU that I'd have work to do over the summer, but now I'm starting to wonder. That aside - what should I take? What can I take? Does anything I pick count toward those hours? Or am I wasting my time in other courses? How I wish there was a guide that said "take any combination of these courses to get these hours before you begin your exams."

Anyway - that frustration aside, I've picked my three classes for next semester and I seriously hope they're useful to me in the long run. They sound interesting, and I'm pretty sure two of them will really be useful for my long term goals. But the last one, well I'm not so sure. When I asked my advisor if I should take it and what my other options were (because there really were no other courses that I saw good for me to take) he said he thought it was my best option. But is it my best option because there's nothing else? or because it's actually going to help me? I think the hardest thing about Graduate school is not the course work, but the confusion and the uncertainty that I'm constantly plagued by. I want to know what I have to do, so that I can know that I'm actually moving forward towards a goal. Right now, I have no idea - I might be treading water, barely keeping my head above. Or - I might be swimming along nicely. Whichever it is, I wish I knew.

Its Been Awhile...

I've been away from my blog for a while, so I thought I'd do I quick update. I had stopped writing for a little bit at first because I was having a rough time and didn't want my blog to become a place where all I do is complain. 

That being said, things have gotten a lot better. I'd say the main change is my frame of mind - I've stopped putting so much pressure on myself. Not that I don't want to do well - of course I still do - but I'm no longer telling myself "grad school is your only option." It's funny - as soon as told myself that if I didn't want to get my PhD (or wasn't able to) it was okay, I started to regain confidence that it I belong here (and that I can do it). Also important to my reversal - I met with my adviser. I should have done that a while before, but I was embarrassed I guess, by the feeling that I wasn't doing well. But the time finally came that I had to, and I'm so glad I did. He gave me some positive feedback and helped me see that I'm not doing so badly after all. That's not to say I'm doing perfectly - I'm most certainly not - but at least I know I'm on the right track and not failing out. 

The problem I'm having right now is motivation. I'm so used to a schedule that has no wiggle room, so this schedule that is so open is actually difficult for me to manage. It's too easy to tell myself that I'll have time later, because I have more time than I've ever had before. I'm trying to force myself into a schedule as if I had work and class all the time again, so that I'll be more productive. Even with my lack of motivation, I'm keeping up with my weekly assignments. I just know that I'm getting a little behind of where I would ideally be for my end of semester papers. I'll figure it out I'm sure - it's a funny thing though - who'd have thought that having too much time would be a problem?