The more things change... the more the stay the same

Why, after writing about 60 or so pages in the last week, do I feel inspired to write a blog?!? Perhaps it's the wonderful feeling of knowing that I'm done. I've just turned in my last paper and my first semester in graduate school is over. It's funny, this semester has been an overwhelming change for me thus far - yet these last few weeks have felt oddly familiar. The hours at the library identifying the best sources for my papers, the anxiety about how many more pages I still have left to write, and the stupidly finishing my final edits within hours of my final deadline... all those experiences are like the end of just about every semester I've ever had at school. Sure the number of pages I had to write expanded a bit, and my confidence after turning the papers in is significantly lower... but at least its semi-familiar ground. Funny how doing something familiar makes you feel like you can do it.

I'm hoping that familiarity will make next semester much easier - though the courses will be new - grad school no longer will be completely foreign to me. Of course, if I make As this semester my confidence will be much higher going into next semester than if I make Bs. Here' s hoping! Until I get those final reports, I think I'm just going to relax and try to forget that I'm still anxiously awaiting confirmation that I've successfully survived my first semester in graduate school! 

Thinking about next semester

Over the last couple weeks I had to look at classes and register for next semester. What a frustrating process, at least when compared to Undergrad! As an Undergraduate I had a 2 majors and 2 minors to fulfill requirements for, but at least I knew what I needed to take. Each major/minor had a set of required courses (or ranges of courses) and I kept track of what I had taken and knew what I still needed to take. I could easily see how many more semesters I needed to complete my requirements. I knew that if I took a heavy load in 1 semester I could get out earlier.

How I wish it was remotely close to that as a Graduate student. I know that before I finish with my PhD I'll need 72 graduate credit hours - no more, no less - but how many of those do I need to have completed before I can do my exams? How many hours do I earn while working on my dissertation, if any? I know that it usually is two years of course work and then the third year is exams - but if I'm taking the required 3 courses a semester (12 hours), I won't get to 72 hours until I've finished 3 years. Can I take courses over the summer? I hope so - because I really want to go through this as quickly as possible, plus my income depends on it. I was under the impression when I chose WashU that I'd have work to do over the summer, but now I'm starting to wonder. That aside - what should I take? What can I take? Does anything I pick count toward those hours? Or am I wasting my time in other courses? How I wish there was a guide that said "take any combination of these courses to get these hours before you begin your exams."

Anyway - that frustration aside, I've picked my three classes for next semester and I seriously hope they're useful to me in the long run. They sound interesting, and I'm pretty sure two of them will really be useful for my long term goals. But the last one, well I'm not so sure. When I asked my advisor if I should take it and what my other options were (because there really were no other courses that I saw good for me to take) he said he thought it was my best option. But is it my best option because there's nothing else? or because it's actually going to help me? I think the hardest thing about Graduate school is not the course work, but the confusion and the uncertainty that I'm constantly plagued by. I want to know what I have to do, so that I can know that I'm actually moving forward towards a goal. Right now, I have no idea - I might be treading water, barely keeping my head above. Or - I might be swimming along nicely. Whichever it is, I wish I knew.

Its Been Awhile...

I've been away from my blog for a while, so I thought I'd do I quick update. I had stopped writing for a little bit at first because I was having a rough time and didn't want my blog to become a place where all I do is complain. 

That being said, things have gotten a lot better. I'd say the main change is my frame of mind - I've stopped putting so much pressure on myself. Not that I don't want to do well - of course I still do - but I'm no longer telling myself "grad school is your only option." It's funny - as soon as told myself that if I didn't want to get my PhD (or wasn't able to) it was okay, I started to regain confidence that it I belong here (and that I can do it). Also important to my reversal - I met with my adviser. I should have done that a while before, but I was embarrassed I guess, by the feeling that I wasn't doing well. But the time finally came that I had to, and I'm so glad I did. He gave me some positive feedback and helped me see that I'm not doing so badly after all. That's not to say I'm doing perfectly - I'm most certainly not - but at least I know I'm on the right track and not failing out. 

The problem I'm having right now is motivation. I'm so used to a schedule that has no wiggle room, so this schedule that is so open is actually difficult for me to manage. It's too easy to tell myself that I'll have time later, because I have more time than I've ever had before. I'm trying to force myself into a schedule as if I had work and class all the time again, so that I'll be more productive. Even with my lack of motivation, I'm keeping up with my weekly assignments. I just know that I'm getting a little behind of where I would ideally be for my end of semester papers. I'll figure it out I'm sure - it's a funny thing though - who'd have thought that having too much time would be a problem? 

A pretty great week

I'd be lying if I said it was an amazing week - but it certainly has been a pretty good one! For one, possibly most significant, is that I've started getting some feedback in my classes and, to my astonishment, it has been positive. Again, I'd be lying if I said I did fantastic, but when you've been operating in the general assumption that you feel stupid and thus are coming across as stupid, it's really nice to learn otherwise. I've still got a lot to figure out, but I think I'm finally starting to believe I can actually do it. So, when I hit some low points in the weeks to come (bc realistically I will) I can look back at this and remember that I can do this!

What a roller coaster!!!

This week has been the toughest week yet, but also one of the best... such a roller coaster of emotions!! I guess I have to start with Thursday, where I last left off, slightly confused - but overall feeling pretty good... (I apologize in advance for the length)

Right after that post I went to class and felt really lost. At moments I felt like I'd read something different than everyone else (they probably thought that too). I tried to shake it off and thought I'd been successful. So I settled in for a long weekend of reading and writing.

That brings us to Sunday - first as I was reading I got so frustrated I had to start making some calls back home just so I could get someone to help me understand a section in my advanced feminist theory reading. So frustrating, as I'm used to getting those calls, not making them. Then there was the history department reception. This was such a nice reception (much fancier than anything back home) and everyone is super friendly. So why did I leave feeling incredibly sad and homesick?! I think it boils down to not being home. I couldn't help but think of similar receptions I've been to back home and that of course made me miss the people.

These very minor, simple events sent me into a depressive spiral. I woke up Monday ready to quit and go home (maybe a little melodramatic, but you get the picture - I was very unhappy). I called one of my best friends, who immediately took a lunch break to talk me off my ledge. Sometimes you just have to get in a good cry with someone you know loves you. Thank you (I try never to use names on here,  but you know who you are) love you, miss you!

Anyway besides feeling homesick I've just been feeling incredibly inadequate and well... dumb. I didn't come here with very much confidence, I've had to work to hard with too many voices (some real, some imagined) telling me I wasn't smart enough and didn't belong - and then moving across states to a new place to do something so foreign left me very vulnerable. And these last few weeks have crushed the confidence I had. But my friend (followed up by another amazing friend that evening xoxo) helped me get a bit of that back and reminded me of the other voices that have supported me these last several years. Within that day I had several people let me know they're thinking about and supporting me from afar - couldn't have been better timed or more appreciated. Thanks again!

So Tuesday came and I felt refreshed and a little more confident. I still get butterflies for a good hour or two before class, but class went great - I felt like I had a clue. Wednesday's class went equally well. And I'm starting to feel more comfortable with some of my classmates.

And then Thursday again... yikes that class is going to be the death of me! I just never am asking the right questions and seem to be missing the big points everyone else sees. This makes me very nervous because I have to present on Thursday and I really don't want to suck! I haven't let it freak me out yet and spent a nice day with my boyfriend not thinking about any of it. We did some grocery shopping and watched a movie. I also got to talk to my brother and hear that he's still doing great at school and loving it. Seeing him conquer his fears and very real disabilities (as opposed to my self-imposed fears) gives me motivation to keep pushing. Not to mention he gave me some great advice and is cheering me on as much as I'm cheering him on.

So I realize this is a long blog - sorry about that (for those who actually are reading this thing to the end). I hope it was worth it to get another week of my new life in graduate school!

Working out the kinks (and proud moments as a big sister)

I'm sitting outside waiting for my next class and thought I'd do a quick update... seems that I've still got a few kinks to work out. Nothing major, but its kind of funny how much I still don't know just about the basics of being a grad student here. For 1, I just discovered that I have a mail box, which I should have been checking ... oops! I'm just glad they sent a reminder email about the reception or I would have been a no-show just because the original invite was in my box. In the course of finding that out I also learned that I should have picked up a key for the grad office, a copy code, and that my id should let me into the building on weekends. I wouldn't know any of this without my peer mentor, who I seem to need to email daily! The question is - what else do I not know & how should I have known? Of course, everyone is very understanding of my ignorance, but it's not fun being so unaware!
On a different, slightly unrelated, note - my little brother started college this year and is doing great. Its awesome to be able to help him avoid the trouble I had figuring things out and I'm so proud of how well he's doing! He's making As so far and applying himself so well... which isn't a big deal in terms of how smart he is, but is a big deal when you know his previous record of slacking a bit. Oh and he's in Photoshop for one of his classes - check out the cow he drew in there? Isn't it cute?!
Anyway.... class time!

Finding a rhythm

After last week's blog I was given so many encouraging comments from people who've been there - and it helped a lot. Knowing I was not alone in freezing up and the encouragement made the rest of the week much better. Thanks (you know who you are - assuming you haven't given up reading) !!  I went to Advanced Feminist Theory confident and participated easily. Admittedly, the environment was a lot less intimidating, making it a lot easier to be myself. Literature of History was great - mainly because we didn't really do anything - sort of refreshing considering how my other classes had us doing a decent amount for week 1. Anyway - I went into the weekend (which is Friday - Monday for me) feeling a lot better. 

The one negative was that my paycheck got all screwed up and I didn't get paid until 2 days late. Stinks - because I had rent and we seriously needed groceries. It was resolved though and the admin for history was so great in helping me figure it out! Plus she offered to pay my rent and let me pay her back - I didn't take her up on it because the check came through, but how kind is that? I mean - she doesn't know me except through email! Regardless of the mess up, it was so neat to get a "paycheck" for being a student. Such a weird feeling - I've always had to work and go to school - this is going to take some getting used to (not that I'm complaining!!!).

I spent the weekend reading, reading and... well, reading. Thankfully I love to read and, with the exception of 1 book, I love everything I've been assigned. I'm still not sure the best way to approach my reading assignments. I find myself taking lots of notes and then reviewing those notes the day of class (alongside the book) to refresh my memory. Not sure if that's the best approach - but we'll see. 

Fast forward to last night - Nuns class where I choked last week.... and I think it went really well. I was by no means the most vocal - but I participated and after the first couple times I found it a lot less intimidating (yay!).  That obstacle conquered (at least for the moment) I just need to find my routine. After having a life where literally every hour from 8am - 8pm was spent on campus either working or in class having so much "free" time is confusing. In reality my mind knows that "free" time is a deceptive idea - I have plenty of work to do - but I tell that to the rest of me! Anyway - that's my current focus, getting into a rhythm and getting ahead on some of my reading so I won't prematurely reach that panic point of too much work to do.