A pretty great week

I'd be lying if I said it was an amazing week - but it certainly has been a pretty good one! For one, possibly most significant, is that I've started getting some feedback in my classes and, to my astonishment, it has been positive. Again, I'd be lying if I said I did fantastic, but when you've been operating in the general assumption that you feel stupid and thus are coming across as stupid, it's really nice to learn otherwise. I've still got a lot to figure out, but I think I'm finally starting to believe I can actually do it. So, when I hit some low points in the weeks to come (bc realistically I will) I can look back at this and remember that I can do this!

What a roller coaster!!!

This week has been the toughest week yet, but also one of the best... such a roller coaster of emotions!! I guess I have to start with Thursday, where I last left off, slightly confused - but overall feeling pretty good... (I apologize in advance for the length)

Right after that post I went to class and felt really lost. At moments I felt like I'd read something different than everyone else (they probably thought that too). I tried to shake it off and thought I'd been successful. So I settled in for a long weekend of reading and writing.

That brings us to Sunday - first as I was reading I got so frustrated I had to start making some calls back home just so I could get someone to help me understand a section in my advanced feminist theory reading. So frustrating, as I'm used to getting those calls, not making them. Then there was the history department reception. This was such a nice reception (much fancier than anything back home) and everyone is super friendly. So why did I leave feeling incredibly sad and homesick?! I think it boils down to not being home. I couldn't help but think of similar receptions I've been to back home and that of course made me miss the people.

These very minor, simple events sent me into a depressive spiral. I woke up Monday ready to quit and go home (maybe a little melodramatic, but you get the picture - I was very unhappy). I called one of my best friends, who immediately took a lunch break to talk me off my ledge. Sometimes you just have to get in a good cry with someone you know loves you. Thank you (I try never to use names on here,  but you know who you are) love you, miss you!

Anyway besides feeling homesick I've just been feeling incredibly inadequate and well... dumb. I didn't come here with very much confidence, I've had to work to hard with too many voices (some real, some imagined) telling me I wasn't smart enough and didn't belong - and then moving across states to a new place to do something so foreign left me very vulnerable. And these last few weeks have crushed the confidence I had. But my friend (followed up by another amazing friend that evening xoxo) helped me get a bit of that back and reminded me of the other voices that have supported me these last several years. Within that day I had several people let me know they're thinking about and supporting me from afar - couldn't have been better timed or more appreciated. Thanks again!

So Tuesday came and I felt refreshed and a little more confident. I still get butterflies for a good hour or two before class, but class went great - I felt like I had a clue. Wednesday's class went equally well. And I'm starting to feel more comfortable with some of my classmates.

And then Thursday again... yikes that class is going to be the death of me! I just never am asking the right questions and seem to be missing the big points everyone else sees. This makes me very nervous because I have to present on Thursday and I really don't want to suck! I haven't let it freak me out yet and spent a nice day with my boyfriend not thinking about any of it. We did some grocery shopping and watched a movie. I also got to talk to my brother and hear that he's still doing great at school and loving it. Seeing him conquer his fears and very real disabilities (as opposed to my self-imposed fears) gives me motivation to keep pushing. Not to mention he gave me some great advice and is cheering me on as much as I'm cheering him on.

So I realize this is a long blog - sorry about that (for those who actually are reading this thing to the end). I hope it was worth it to get another week of my new life in graduate school!

Working out the kinks (and proud moments as a big sister)

I'm sitting outside waiting for my next class and thought I'd do a quick update... seems that I've still got a few kinks to work out. Nothing major, but its kind of funny how much I still don't know just about the basics of being a grad student here. For 1, I just discovered that I have a mail box, which I should have been checking ... oops! I'm just glad they sent a reminder email about the reception or I would have been a no-show just because the original invite was in my box. In the course of finding that out I also learned that I should have picked up a key for the grad office, a copy code, and that my id should let me into the building on weekends. I wouldn't know any of this without my peer mentor, who I seem to need to email daily! The question is - what else do I not know & how should I have known? Of course, everyone is very understanding of my ignorance, but it's not fun being so unaware!
On a different, slightly unrelated, note - my little brother started college this year and is doing great. Its awesome to be able to help him avoid the trouble I had figuring things out and I'm so proud of how well he's doing! He's making As so far and applying himself so well... which isn't a big deal in terms of how smart he is, but is a big deal when you know his previous record of slacking a bit. Oh and he's in Photoshop for one of his classes - check out the cow he drew in there? Isn't it cute?!
Anyway.... class time!

Finding a rhythm

After last week's blog I was given so many encouraging comments from people who've been there - and it helped a lot. Knowing I was not alone in freezing up and the encouragement made the rest of the week much better. Thanks (you know who you are - assuming you haven't given up reading) !!  I went to Advanced Feminist Theory confident and participated easily. Admittedly, the environment was a lot less intimidating, making it a lot easier to be myself. Literature of History was great - mainly because we didn't really do anything - sort of refreshing considering how my other classes had us doing a decent amount for week 1. Anyway - I went into the weekend (which is Friday - Monday for me) feeling a lot better. 

The one negative was that my paycheck got all screwed up and I didn't get paid until 2 days late. Stinks - because I had rent and we seriously needed groceries. It was resolved though and the admin for history was so great in helping me figure it out! Plus she offered to pay my rent and let me pay her back - I didn't take her up on it because the check came through, but how kind is that? I mean - she doesn't know me except through email! Regardless of the mess up, it was so neat to get a "paycheck" for being a student. Such a weird feeling - I've always had to work and go to school - this is going to take some getting used to (not that I'm complaining!!!).

I spent the weekend reading, reading and... well, reading. Thankfully I love to read and, with the exception of 1 book, I love everything I've been assigned. I'm still not sure the best way to approach my reading assignments. I find myself taking lots of notes and then reviewing those notes the day of class (alongside the book) to refresh my memory. Not sure if that's the best approach - but we'll see. 

Fast forward to last night - Nuns class where I choked last week.... and I think it went really well. I was by no means the most vocal - but I participated and after the first couple times I found it a lot less intimidating (yay!).  That obstacle conquered (at least for the moment) I just need to find my routine. After having a life where literally every hour from 8am - 8pm was spent on campus either working or in class having so much "free" time is confusing. In reality my mind knows that "free" time is a deceptive idea - I have plenty of work to do - but I tell that to the rest of me! Anyway - that's my current focus, getting into a rhythm and getting ahead on some of my reading so I won't prematurely reach that panic point of too much work to do. 

First Day of Class...Epic Fail!!

So yeah.... I was very excited for my first class. It's on a topic that I'm personally very interested in (Medieval/Early Modern Nuns) and I loved the reading. To make sure I was really prepared I read it twice and I had all kinds of thoughts and notes. Then I got to class and I froze!!! It may have been all the experienced grad students in the room, it may have been that the professor is also my adviser (meaning a little more pressure, at least in my mind), or that I ended up sitting right next to him --- regardless of the reason though --- I froze. Suddenly everything I had thought seemed really stupid. So I proceeded to spend 3 hours with "Say this... no that's stupid... oh shit you should have said that - she just said it and it sounded good... well say this... no that's stupid" running through my head.  Anyone who's ever taken classes with me before knows that's so not like me! I'm usually very vocal, not at all intimidated, and basically fearless about contributing. When class ended I was so frustrated and then, to make matters worse, my professor says "you need to talk next time Kimberly." Yep - epic fail. 

So walking home I beat myself up and I tossed and turned all night. This morning I decided to text my mentors, because they're the only people I know who've ever been to grad school and they know me well enough to know that not talking in class is not like me. Thank goodness I did - she calmed me down, helped me to realize 1 bad class is not that big of a deal, and restored my confidence. I've just never felt so out of my league before - but as she said "remember they chose you and you can do this!" So with a little restored confidence I will be going to my second graduate class today at 3 - Advanced Feminist Theory - and I seriously hope it goes better than last night!

Just a little overwhelemed

After getting settled into my apartment I turned my attention to school. While I'm on track to get started next week (the 30th!) the more information I get, the more confused I get. The only thing that I left feeling less confused was my meeting with Dr. Bornstein. I met with him on Friday and left knowing that I could register for classes now and I sort of knew what I was signing up for. One of my classes I had to email the instructor to get permission to enroll - which she gave me and when I called her admin to finish enrolling she had already done it -so that was really easy. Another one of my classes was in the process of transforming from a half grad / half undergrad class to 2 separate classes. After many emails trying to figure out when we'll meet I now know that I have that class Tuesdays at 5:30 -8:30. My third class I simply registered for - no problems there. So I have class Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday for a few hours each. 

I have to say - I've never had such an empty schedule before. Three classes, 1 time a week each?!? I'm sure I'll be thankful though - as the workload will be immense I'm sure - for 3 reasons: (1) everyone who has been to grad school tells me it's harder than anything I've ever done before; (2) I already have reading assignments from 2 out of 3 of my classes! and (3) I just dropped over $350 on 28 books for 3 classes! So yeah feeling a little overwhelmed... For one, I was NOT prepared to spend that much on books (why? because I'm dumb - after 5 years in school you'd think I'd know better). Two - one of my reading assignments for next week I don't actually know how to get to yet! I emailed my peer mentor and she's amazing so I'm sure she'll tell me, but in the meantime, worried! 

Meanwhile...I had orientation on Monday - which I assumed I would leave feeling more oriented. Not so much... instead I was given a ton of information that I didn't even realize I was missing that I now have to process and deal with. For example, I have to pay quarterly taxes on my stipend - taxes are not automatically deducted like a paycheck. I sat there in utter terror, because my first payment has to go out September 15th and I had no idea how much I was going to have to pay. (I went home and worked the worksheets - only need to pay a little over $100 so it's okay - but still I was terrified...) Then the health insurance information is still confusing me - I have coverage as of August 1st, but I'm not showing as registered (hearing that worries me, because I should be...) so I'm not really in the system, etc. I'm gradually sifting through all this new information and getting it under control but talk about overwhelming. 

Here's hoping that Monday's History department orientation actually serves to orient, rather than further confuse...

Moving woes and Trucks with Superman capes!

So after months of waiting and planning, I finally left Texas. You'd think with all that planning time things would've gone better... for starters my packing procrastination made it a really rough couple of weeks for me. I spent most of the first week trying to say goodbye, which sent me home in tears more than once. The second week was packing to all hours of the night (bc I was still working until Friday the 12th, leaving me mainly evenings to pack). In the process of packing I somehow seriously hurt my left knee, making it pretty much impossible to move quickly at all :-( I just hope its nothing serious and will mend itself.
Friday my wonderful brother and boyfriend came over to load everything.  When they saw the pile of boxes they both were pretty sure it wasn't all going to fit. My brother even asked "are we making 2 trips to St. Louis?"  Despite their skepticism, basically everything made it in. Yay! Then it was time for the hardest goodbye of all, my stepson. I love him so much and I know he's going to be just fine with us moving far away - we'll talk all the time and visit a lot - but I still hated to see him cry. And I know it tore my boyfriend up. Sometimes the right decisions are also the hardest.
Let me fast forward to Saturday morning at 4:45am when I was getting ready to leave (@5) and my brother says "Kim, I think its raining!" WTF!?! It hasn't rained for 45+ days and it decides to pour the morning I move? What's best - we decided not to buy a tarp when we saw the prices and the truck was sitting in the rain at that moment. So me and my boyfriend run outside, take my moms car out of the garage and back the bed of the truck in for some cover. Then we run to Walmart to buy a tarp. Only this one doesn't have them - it only has car covers - but since they are water repellent we decide to buy one and make it work. It was entirely too big though and we couldn't get it to stay tied down in the back. We had to stop 3x to fix it before we gave up and said whatever isnt covered is going to be ruined. So, until we took it off in Oklahoma, where it was no longer raining, we had what could best be described as a Superman cape on our truck. It'd be funny if I wasn't worried about all my stuff being destroyed, but I bet it will be someday.
From there the trip went pretty smooth (except somehow my data turned off and I had no GPS) and we made it safely. Unfortunately me and my mom bigtime miscalculated how far out this resort were staying in was from St. Louis, so when we arrived after 12 hours on the road tempers were kinda hot. Thankfully this place is beautiful and we're enjoying so much needed r&r. Hopefully the drive to St. Louis and moving in will be a little smoother.